Lakewood Croquet Club

The latest edition of The Hot Seat features one of the newest competitors to join the Lakewood Croquet Club. Lin Cherry, an apparently renowned champion of the cutthroat/guerilla croquet circuit in the Northeastern United States, is ready to stake her claim to glory in the LCC in 1999.

Cherry, author of Advanced Croquet Tactics of the Sandinistans, will make her official LCC debut at teh 43rd Annual Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge on May 22nd. She recently sat down to share her thoughts and plans in The Hot Seat…

Although you’re new to the Lakewood Croquet Club, word has it that you’ve made quite a name for yourself on the East Coast circuit. Tell us a little bit about your experience.

Apparently you are unaware of my reputation as the four-time Champion of the Greater Pennsylvania Chapter of the Northeastern Pennsylvania/Tri-State Region Seasonal Lawn Sports Association. As I child, I was trained overseas by Sandinistan Sherpas in Sandinista. I was a true child prodigy. By the age of seven I was dueling King Hussein on the manicured croquet lawns of his palace in Jordan. I humiliated Prince Charles on the grounds of Buckingham Palace. The man never did recover. By sixteen, I had completed my training with the Sherpas and returned to the United States where I began destroying the croquet circuits along the Eastern seaboard. At nineteen, I was featured in my own special edition of The George Michael Sports Machine.

Okay… so what do you have left to prove by coming to the Lakewood Croquet Club?

I think at this point it is a matter of demonstrating my expertise to those less fortunate in their croquet abilities. By participating in this ’smaller match,’ the insignificant LCC ’students’ will see how a real champion is made.

Let’s play a little word association. When I say 1997-1998 Champions Cup winner Jeff Gepner, you say…

Chop Suey. He’s what you’d call… how does that go? A big fish in a small pond. If Gepner thinks he’s all that, the man is sadly mistaken. I don’t think he could carry my jock, to be honest.

How about LCC President Brian S. Johnston III?

Brian, yeah, now he’s a nice kid. It’s a shame that he has been stifled by the establishment. A few short years of formal training and some good ol’ Sherpa lovin’ and he’d be golden!

If you had to describe your style of play, your philosophy of the sport, how would you do so?

In the words of Ben Franklin, “He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on.” I think that pretty much says it all, don’t you think?

Um… alright.

Finally, where do you see Lin Cherry in the future?

The ony thing left that I see is… MERCHANDISE!! I have spent the last few months in secret negotiations to market the Lin Cherry product line. Soon you’ll be seeing Lin Cherry action figures, complete with push-button Mallet Mashing Action (batteries not included). You can have Lin Cherry Croquet Crunch cereal as a part of your complete breakfast. Next summer, the exclusive Lin Cherry Beanie Baby will be available for a limited time with each McDonald’s Happy Meal. That’s for the kids. For the adults, I’m debutin my complete line of Lin Cherry Lin-gerie at Victoria’s Secret. You’ll have to catch the runway show later this year.

Basically, you’ll be seeing Lin Cherry everywhere. This is my time to shine. I’m not only going to be Queen of Croquet, I’m going to be Queen of the World!