Lakewood Croquet Club

It’s been a tough year for you thus far.

That, my friend, would be an understatement.

Tell us about it.

What is there that you don’t know? I’m in the middle of one of the worst slumps of my career. Things started out fine, with some early wins and a decent showing at the Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge. But since then, it’s just been down hill.

Culminating with…

The Champions Cup. I don’t know what happened. In four years, I’ve never finished higher than fourth. For the past two years now, I’ve finished dead last. Things don’t get much worse than that.

But then they did.

You’re really rubbing this in, aren’t you? Yes, things have gotten worse. We had a special Poison Rules event prior to the Cup, which I did not do well in. Then, after the Cup, I locked up with Brian S. Johnston III in an Ironman Challenge. That’s something new that the Lakewood Croquet Club sanctioned, featuring a best of five match series, played back-to-back-to back. I managed one win out of four matches with Johnston, and that was only because he stopped mid-match to showboat, and I managed to catch him.

Is it safe to say that you’ve hit rock bottom?

I would sure as hell hope so. I can’t imagine my game getting much worse than this. I’ve only won one match in the past four months.

As bad as it’s gotten, I really think I’ve hit on the right solution. A new identity! It’s time for me to reinvent myself. From this moment on, “The Haberdasher” is dead! I mean, what the hell is a haberdasher, anyway? I thought it was a hat salesman, but I’m not too sure about that. I don’t even really wear a cool hat anymore. You’re lucky if you see me in anything other than a baseball cap. Besides, right now I’ve got these lovely golden locks, so who wants to hide them under a hat anyway?

So basically, you’re entire plan to turn around your career is to… change your nickname?

Pretty much.

No extra practice, no improved training regiment, nothing?

Nope.

Well… if you no longer want to be known as The Haberdasher, what do you want us to call you?

I’ve given that a lot of thought. Basically, I really don’t have any idea. I think for the time being I’d like to be referred to as “The Artist Formerly Known as The Haberdasher.”

“The Artist Formerly Known as The Haberdasher”? Can we at least shorten it a bit?

You can call me “The Artist.”

So what’s next? What’s to come in the next six months? The next year?

I’ve got to get myself back on track, and there’s no time like the present. I want to get a couple more matches under my belt before the end of the summer, and from there, it’s time to start looking towards Champions Cup 2000. It’s going to be a new century, a new millennium. Maybe it will finally be my time.

There’s definitely a hierarchy here in the Lakewood Croquet Club. That much is clear. You’ve got Jeff Gepner and Kevin Sutton at the top, and then there’s the rest of us. My goal in the next year is to break out of the pack, and establish myself as one of the players in the game. It’s time that I grab my piece of the pie.

Will the 2000 season be the year of Tom Carmony?

It certainly can’t be any worse than the 1999 season has been…