Lakewood Croquet Club

Oh what a difference a year makes. Five months, actually. August 1999 saw the end of one era in the Lakewood Croquet Club and the start of another. After two years atop the sport, “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner was finally unseated as Champions Cup winner by the very man whom he overcame to reach the top: Kevin Sutton. After having won the inaugural Cup in 1996, Sutton struggled through an annual series of close calls before finally returning to form and taking back the title. To top it all off, the formerly reserved Sutton seems to have a developed an ego the size of his championship trophy…

Many Lakewood Croquet Club members have looked to you as a hero for having knocked Jeff Gepner off his championship pedestal.

As they should. This club has been wallowing in mediocrity for the past two years. Between Gepner’s shameless self-worship and Brian S. Johnston III’s inept leadership as President, this once great organization had become a shell of its former self. I took a player of my caliber to help set things straight.

You’ve long been known for your calm and humble demeanor, but it seems as if that’s changing.

I’ve just decided to step out of my own shadow. I’d made a reputation as a straight shooter, as the dependable, loyal type of competitor that others could count on. I’m not saying that’s changed, but I’m a complex individual. There’s a lot more to me than just being “Mr. Niceguy.”

Such as?

I’m a complicated man. I’ve got needs. Being a champion isn’t just about winning and losing. It’s a lifestyle. Last time I was on top, I didn’t take advantage of that lifestyle. I’m not going to let that pass me by again.

What exactly is that lifestyle?

Late nights. Fast cars. Reasonably attractive women. This is going to be difficult for most of the chumps out there to grasp. We’re not talking a half rack of Schlitz and a double-wide trailer. Jet planes. Power lunches. Candlelit dinners in a smoky Paris cafe.

Excuse me, but aren’t you a college student living in a small apartment with a bunch of other guys?

I told you that you wouldn’t understand. I know it’s hard to even imagine what it’s like to be me, so don’t go giving yourself an aneurysm over it. Just keep this is mind: It’s great to be me, and it sucks to be you.

So what’s in store for you in the coming year?

I’m going to transform the Lakewood Croquet Club. You’re going to see the official end of the Gepner/Johnston era around here. I’ve taken care of Gepner, so that only leaves our esteemed President Brian S. Johnston III. Things are going to change around here. You’re looking at the trendsetter, the leader of the pack, the king of the hill.

Why would you make a better leader than Johnston?

Johnston is a hack. He just doesn’t have the class or the style to really lead this club the way it needs to be. The Lakewood Croquet Club has a proud tradition, and I want our members to realize that, and take pride in it.

And if I have to take over the show to do that, then so be it.