Lakewood Croquet Club

LAKEWOOD, WA – Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III once again found himself under the gun following statements made recently by LCC competitor Jeff Gepner. Gepner, a former two-time Champions Cup winner, called for Johnston’s resignation in a press conference Thursday. Rumors circulating claim that Gepner has compromising photographs of Johnston that would lead to his being removed from power by the LCC Board of Directors.

“Brian Johnston has been a cancer for the Lakewood Croquet Club for two years and it’s time for him to be removed,” said Gepner before a throng of reporters during yesterday’s press conference. “He’s like bad acne that just won’t go away, no matter how much benzoil peroxide you use. He’s like leftover turkey after Thanksgiving. He’s like your uncle that just doesn’t know when he’s worn out his welcome. He’s like that green stuff that I sometimes get growing around my left big toe…”

When questioned regarding exactly what sort of evidence he possessed against Johnston, Gepner was characteristically evasive.

“You’ll all see soon enough,” he stated. “What I’ve got here will finally be Johnston’s undoing. It’s really just a matter of whether he wants to step down now and save face, or if he wants to be laughed out of town.”

Johnston continues to be the brunt of attack from a number of LCC competitors, despite the fact that he recently offered to put his presidency up for grabs in a single-elimination match-play tournament, allowing the winner to become LCC President.

“I know he offered up his position,” responded Gepner, “but I don’t trust him. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Until I see someone else sitting his office, behind that desk, I’m not buying a word he says.”

Not surprisingly, Johnston had a few choice words for his challenger.

“Gepner is a meat head,” barked Johnston when cornered by reporters. “If he thinks his scare tactics are going to get me to pack up and hit the road, he’s sadly mistaken. Tell him to bring it on. Whatever he has, I can take it. I haven’t stayed President for two years by backing down everytime he cooks up something new.”

“The LCC needs my exemplary leadership, and I’m not about to let my underlings, I mean… fellow competitors… down. Bring it on, Jeff Gepner. Let’s see what you’ve got.”