Lakewood Croquet Club

LAKEWOOD, WA – Lakewood Croquet Club officials announced plans for a full investigation of both LCC Champion Kevin Sutton and former champion “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner at a press conference yesterday. The announcement came on the heels of last week’s allegations that Sutton was directly involved in a gambling ring that included wagers on last year’s Champions Cup. In addition, further evidence has surfaced concerning Gepner’s involvement in the Communist Party.

LCC President Brian S. Johnston III gleefully broke the news of the pending investigation to reporters at yesterday’s press conference.

“I knew those two weren’t good for business,” proclaimed Johnston. “I’ve had my own suspicions for a long time now. First off, Gepner’s was a disgrace of a champion for two years. He nearly ran this great organization into the ground while he was at the top.”

“Sutton really isn’t much better, either,” continued the President. “Until recently he’s been this goody-two-shoes type, never taking sides, always playing it right down the middle. I knew better, though. Even two years ago, there were questions about Sutton’s character.”

“Personally,” added Johnston, “I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.”

Although Sutton has long been regarded as the most fair, rule-abiding member of the LCC, the current allegations are not the first against him. As Johnston alluded to, questions arose during the 1998 Champions Cup regarding Sutton’s role as Head Official. It was rumored that Gepner had paid off Sutton to help ensure his victory in the match, and staff photographers even captured a number of highly controversial images of the two exchanging cash prior to the start of the event.

President Johnston also went on to elaborate on exactly how the investigation of Sutton and Gepner would commence.

“The LCC Board of Directors will be naming a head investigator, an ‘Independent Counsel,’ to head up the investigation,” said Johnston. “It will be a full investigation, as well. Phone records, bank records, bar tabs, grocery lists, everything will be subpoenaed. The investigation will completely invade everyone’s privacy, and we’re going to the bottom of this.”

Attempts were made to contact both Sutton and Gepner concerning the announced investigation; both refused to comment. Representatives for each did assert, however, that full appeals would be filed with the LCC Board of Directors in an attempt to block the investigation.

Johnston concluded the press conference by promising a quick end to the controversy.

“I’m not going to let this fiasco drag down our great organization any longer than necessary,” said Johnston.

“I’ll have all of the allegations against Gepner and Sutton proven… er, um… I mean fully investigated… as quickly as possible.”