Lakewood Croquet Club

LAKEWOOD, WA –  The Lakewood Croquet Club has been rocked by breaking allegations of corruption involving two of its top competitors. Members of the LCC Board of Directors recently received information implicating current LCC Champion Kevin Sutton in an extensive croquet gambling ring. The anonymous memorandum, signed by an individual known only as “Unanimous,” also claimed that Jeff Gepner may be a full-fledged member of the Communist Party.

LCC President Brian S. Johnston III was the first club official to comment on the allegations.

“I’m sure they’re true,” said Johnston flatly. “I wouldn’t put anything past the two of them. Sutton has turned from an exemplary member of the extreme croquet community into just another money-hungry, power-hungry egomaniac! And Gepner… well, to be honest, let’s just say that he being a Communist would be putting it mildly.”

Johnston refused to comment further, but stated that an announcement should be expected next week regarding the possibility of a full investigation of the allegations against Gepner and Sutton.

The memorandum that was received by each member of the LCC Board of Directors earlier this week gave little in the way of detailed information on the activities of either Sutton or Gepner. The memo follows in its entirety:

MEMORANDUM

To: LCC Board of Directors
From: Unanimous

“Jeff Gepner is under surveillance as a suspected communist. And Kevin Sutton has a gambling problem and may have bet on last years croquet tournament.” Further details coming soon.

Gepner repsonded to the accusations by questioning their accuracy.

“Really, what evidence is there against myself or Sutton?” he said. “I mean, who the hell is ‘Unanimous?’ This guy can’t even spell, so why should his claims carry any weight? Believe me, I’m not worried in the least about this.”