Lakewood Croquet Club

LAKEWOOD, WA  – LCC President Brian S. Johnston III has announced that a decision will be rendered regarding the rain-out of the 59th Annual Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge May 18th. Johnston cited an obscure 30-day rule which states that if the event cannot be completed within 30 days of its original scheduled date, then it is the President’s duty to declare winners. Johnston met with much controversy in 1998 by naming himself and Tom Carmony LCC Doubles Champions following a time-limit draw in the inaugual 22nd Annual Coleman Challenge.

The Coleman Challenge, instituted in 1998, is held each spring to determine the LCC Doubles Champions. The inaugural edition featured the teams of Andy Cooper/Brian S. Johnston III and Jeff Gepner/Tom Carmony. The event ended in a 75-minute time-limit draw (with Gepner and Carmony one shot away from victory) due to the start of the final episode of Seinfeld. Two months later, President Johnston declared that there must be LCC Doubles Champions crowned and named himself and Tom Carmony as champions.

Last year’s Challenge featured ten competitors randomly assigned to five teams through a random draw conducted by President Johnston. Cooper rode the coattails of Emily Smith’s phenomenal performance to victory, and the pair have been the reigning champions since.

A field of three teams qualified for this year’s Challenge, including Brian S. Johnston III and Tom Carmony, Jeff Gepner and Andy Cooper, and Kevin Sutton and Mark Stibbe. Sutton appeared for the event without Stibbe, claiming that “Money Mark” would be unable to make the scheduled start time, and stated that instead he would play with himself as his own partner. Sutton then burst into an argument with himself, debating over which of his alter egos would serve as team captain. The other competitors watched in disbelief.

Unfortunately, the event could not be held due to inclement weather. Torrential rains washed out play, forcing LCC Officials to declare the event postponed, to be replayed at a later date. Competitors argued over other possible avenues to resolve the issue, including Gepner and Cooper offering to decide the championship over a game of Risk. After being soundly trounced in the boardgame, Sutton, Johnston, and Carmony quickly agreed that another resolution was necessary.

Since that time, participants have been unable to reschedule the contest. Earlier this week, President Johnston issued a statement saying that champions must be crowned. He cited a heretofore unknown club bylaw which states that in the event that a championship match or tournament cannot be completed as scheduled, participants have 30 days to agree upon and schedule a return contest; if the event cannot be rescheduled within the 30 days, then it shall be within the President’s rights as President to declare a winner of said event.

“Johnston is full of it,” cried Gepner after the President’s address. “He’s constantly making up these stupid, obscure rules to fit whatever agenda he has at the movement. There is no such bylaw, we don’t even have any real rules! President Johnston is merely trying to cover his ass for when he declares himself champion.”

“Once again, Jeff Gepner is showing himself to be the whiney little baby that he is,” replied an amused President Johnston. “He doesn’t have the melons to show up for a rematch, and so he’s creating a big stir and making me look like the bad guy. I’m not the bad guy! I’m only trying to do what’s best for this club.”