Lakewood Croquet Club

LAKEWOOD, WA –  Amidst the ongoing investigation of allegations against 1999 Champions Cup winner Kevin Sutton and former champion “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner, Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III feels like revenge is finally his.

“I’ve been trying to prove to the world what a cancer Jeff Gepner has been on the LCC for years,” said Johnston recently. “Now, after two long years of work, it’s finally starting to pay off. People are taking notice of exactly what he’s done to this club.”

The investigation began last month following a now infamous anonymous report that Gepner was an active member of the Communist Party and that Sutton had bet on last year’s Champions Cup. An e-mail message addressed to the LCC Board of Directors from an individual known only as “Unanimous” stated that evidence would be forthcoming regarding Gepner’s Communist ties and Sutton’s gambling activities. President Johnston quickly jumped on the bandwagon, calling an emergency meeting of the LCC Board and demanding a full investigation of the matter. The Board agreed, and Investigation 2000 was off and running.

Once approval was given for the launch of Investigation 2000, Johnston began the search for an Independent Counsel to head up the campaign. After interviewing a number of candidates, he named Lin Cherry, active LCC competitor and the self-proclaimed “Queen of Croquet,” to the position. Criticism quickly came rolling in, as many individuals, including Gepner and Sutton, claimed the Independent Counsel wasn’t truly “independent,” due to her status as an LCC member. Johnston’s would not stand for the questioning, and his reply was brief.

“Cherry is as impartial a investigator as can be found,” replied Johnston in a prepared statement. “She hates every other member of this club equally! You all witnessed her biting remarks and anti-male campaign last year. There is no love lost between Cherry and anyone else involved in the investigation. She stays. That’s final.”

The first victim of Investigation 2000 was Gepner. “The Franchise,” a former two-time Champions Cup winner, maintained his innocence, stating that he had no ties in any way to the Communist Party.

In late May, however, evidenced surfaced that linked Gepner directly to the Party. Computer records taken from Gepner’s local library show that over the seven months he has taken out a number of items related to communism and the former Soviet Union.

Although Marx’s Communist Manifesto was not among the items listed, Gepner apparently had in his possession at one time or another up to a dozen incriminating books and videos. These included such classics as “Communist Cuisine: 101 Recipes for Vodka and Shoe Leather”, “Scenic Siberia”, “The Complete Idiots Guide to Black Market Soviet Weapons”, and “Gentle Lamb: The Poetry of Joseph Stalin.”

In addition, records taken from Internet workstations at the same library revealed that Gepner had apparently completed an online application to the U.S. branch of the Communist Party. Screen captures were taken which clearly show Gepner’s personal information on the form.

Following the leak of this information, Gepner continued to maintain his innocence.

“This is nothing but a witch hunt!” he argued. “Johnston would give up his firstborn if it meant he could get me out of the LCC. I’ve dealt with his games before and I’ll do it again. I’m not letting this nonsense deter me from my quest for the Champions Cup. Our President can keep lying until he’s blue in the face; I know the truth, my family knows the truth, and my fans know the truth. That’s all that matters.”

Lakewood Croquet Club Champion Kevin Sutton was not free from the shadow of Investigation 2000 either. Less than a week after the release of evidence against Jeff Gepner, new evidence surfaced concerning Sutton’s ever-mounting gambling problem. Flight records show that late last month Sutton traveled to Las Vegas for one of his apparently increasingly frequent binge-gambling weekends. Surveilance photographs taken at the Tropicana Hotel and Casino revealed Sutton taking part in marathon slot machine sessions, as well as throwing down large wagers at a number of Blackjack tables. The scene was apparently a pathetic one.

“He was so desperate for cash by the end of the night that he was trying to offer up his dental work for more chips,” claimed one pit boss. “He nearly ripped out an entire bridge that he claimed was worth three grand.”

The constant gambling continued outside the casinos as well.

“He stopped me in the airport and tried to talk me into wagering on how many shoes the shoeshine guy could polish in an hour,” stated one weekend traveler. “I saw him earlier on the Strip, too. Some security guard had to grab him to keep him from diving into the fountain at the Mirage during the volcano show. I think he was trying to pick up change off the bottom of the pool.”

Perhaps the most incriminating evidence against Sutton surfaced in early June, as investigators apparently met with Sutton’s bookie, a gentleman by the name of ‘One-Legged Tony’ (who, for the record, has both legs but only one arm), who claimed to have receipts signed by Sutton for wagers placed on last year’s Champions Cup.

LakewoodCroquet.com has been able to obtain documents from the investigation, which clearly show hand written wagers placed by Sutton for last year’s Champions Cup.

Sutton has done his best to avoid facing the throng of reporters in recent days.

“I have no comment at this time,” he told reporters following outside a local donut shop. “I’m focused on one thing right now, and that’s my strict diet and training regiment for the Cup in August. I have served this organization well as champion over the past year, and I have every intention of winning my second consecutive Cup and continuing the great work that I’ve been apart of.”

“Now, if you’d excuse me, I’d due at the card room in a ten minutes,” he concluded. “Don’t want to keep ‘em waiting, you know what I mean?”

Independent Counsel Lin Cherry released a statement June 7th regarding the progress of Investigation 2000.

“The progress of Investigation 2000 is that it’s progressing,” stated Cherry. “The task force has done an outstanding job collecting information throughout this entire process, but our work is not yet complete. I’ll be meeting with a series of character witnesses during the next two weeks, and I’m also waiting to hear back from the special team dispatched to pick through Gepner and Sutton’s garbage. One we have all the data in, I’ll be able to present my recommendations to the LCC Board of Directors.”

When asked to provide a time line for the conclusion of the probe, Cherry was confident that Investigation 2000 was nearing its end.

“Right now my target date is July 1,” she responded. “That may change, but as of today it is my expectation that an announcement will be made regarding possible sanctions against Gepner and Sutton by that date.”

With a decision on the investigation expected by July 1st, President Johnston’s eagerness can barely be contained.

“I never thought this day would come!” responded Johnston with glee during a recent interview. “For more than two years Gepner has been a black eye on this club and my presidency. But now, he’s dug himself into a whole that he’s not getting out of. This is finally going to be my chance to get the Lakewood Croquet Club back on the right track.”