Lakewood Croquet Club

The new millennium has begun in tumultuous fashion for the Lakewood Croquet Club. Only two months away from the crown jewel of the LCC season, the Champions Cup, the organization finds itself in a state of disarray. Champion Kevin Sutton and former Champions Cup winner Jeff Gepner are at the center of a serious investigation involving communist ties and gambling on the sport. President Brian S. Johnston III is attempting to maintain order and control over the club in the face almost daily demands for his resignation.

Enter… The Sultan.

Although little is known about this man of mystery, he made his intentions clear during a special interview for this month’s Hot Seat.

What is it that has brought you to America and to the Lakewood Croquet Club?

The mere challenge. I have travel the world for years, thousands upon thousands of glorious miles. I am man of great means. I am oil baron. In fact, THE oil baron of native Pakistan. I have achieved, how do you say? Riches! Beyond your wildest dreams. I’ve stuck oil in the town of Beverly. Hills that is. Black gold. Movie stars. Shwimming pools. What I seek is something new. A challenge.

Croquet is sport of kings, and I, you simple man, am a king! The sport is my blood, it courses through my veins. I have played the world’s best throughout the world. I have conquered Middle East, I have humiliated the Europe, I have mastered Asia, I have humbled Australia, I have destroyed the South America. Now it is time for United States. It is time for Lakewood Croquet Club.

So you are here for the competition, for the sport.

Yes and no. I am here for great victories, including your Champions Cup. However, I not stop there. I will buy the United States!

What? You can’t buy an entire country. That’s ridiculous.

No? Are you calling me liar! I have your head on a plate, monkey boy! I will have all of United States bow to me. Your Champions Cup… where will it be held?

Uh… Perkasie. Perkasie, Pennsylvania.

Ah Ha! Stupid fool! Perkasie! There is no more Perkasie. I knew where the Cup was to be, and I will begin my conquest there! In fact, I have bought Perkasie!

You’ve bought the entire town?

I have bought Perkasie! Although it is longer called Perkasie. From now until eternity, my American home is now known as Perkistan!

Now that I have control of the town, I shall take over the Lakewood Croquet Club! Your Champions Cup will make a beautiful hood ornament on my brand new Lincoln Town Car!

How could you consider degrading the Champions Cup by using it as a hood ornament?

Silence! You stupid, stupid little man. I will break you!! No one speaks to the Sultan with such insolence! One more utterance, and I will have you banished, forced to work the grape slushy machine at WaWa!

But…

Aaaahhh!! That’s it! Grape slushies it is!!