Lakewood Croquet Club

LAKEWOOD, WA – Independent Counsel Lin Cherry delivered her final report on Investigation 2000 to Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III earlier this week, giving Johnston the evidence he needed to take official action against LCC Champion Kevin Sutton and former champion “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner.

Sutton, who was being investigated by the Independent Counsel regarding his alleged gambling on last year’s Champions Cup, was handed a sixty day suspension by Johnston, effective July 1. The suspension essentially eliminates Sutton from this year’s Champions Cup, less than 45 days away.

Gepner, facing accusations of being a card-carrying member of the Communist Party, has been ordered by Johnston to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, as well as view 250 hours of Cold War-era anti-communist propaganda films and news reels.

Johnston gleefully announced his decisions at a June 30th press conference at LCC Headquarters.

“I am extremely pleased to finally put an end to this horrific chapter of Lakewood Croquet Club history,” he said of the ongoing investigation. “It has been times like one, when our organization faces it’s darkest hours, that I have truly been able to step up and pull our membership together to persevere.”

“Given the weight of the allegations against Mr. Sutton and Mr. Gepner, as well as the mountain of incriminating evidence presented by Independent Counsel Cherry, I feel these sanctions were absolutely and unequivocally necessary,” continued Johnston.

“My only regret throughout this entire matter was that I couldn’t hand down a stiffer penalty to that bastard Jeff Gepner. Independent Counsel Cherry informed me of some two-bit freedom of speech legistation that apparently makes it okay for Gepner to be a commie,” argued the President. “I don’t buy it. I’ll drive Gepner out of this organization if it’s the last thing I do!”

Both Sutton and Gepner were quick to speak out on Johnston’s ruling.

“This has gotten completely out of hand,” argued Sutton. “I don’t know how I ended up as a target on Johnston’s radar, but I did not gamble on the Champions Cup. That’s the truth. Unfortunately, the truth doesn’t seem to matter much anymore.”

“Brian Johnston is nothing but a tyranical prick with a Napoleon complex!!” screamed Gepner when confronted by reporters. “I’ve been telling all of you for the past two years that Johnston has been on a witch hunt for me. What better example of that fact than this entire ridiculous investigation?”

Independent Counsel Lin Cherry stands by her findings.

“Mr. Sutton and Mr. Gepner may have issues with the sanctions handed down by Mr. Johnston, but that is not of consequence to me,” she asserted in a recent statement. “My job was to collect evidence. I did that job. I presented all of the available evidence to President Johnston, and he rendered his decision. End of story.”

Reaction from other LCC competitors generally supported Sutton and Gepner.

“I’ve known Kevin Sutton for years, and he’s a good man,” said Mark Stibbe. “In fact, he’s been one of the only members of the LCC that hasn’t done something to soil the image of this organization. I don’t care what is said, I can’t bring myself to believe that he bet on the Champions Cup.”

“I’m surprised I haven’t been dragged down into this whole mess,” stated ‘The Great One’ Andy Cooper. “Johnston has been after both Jeff and I since early 1998, trying to run us out of the LCC. He’s been an embarrasment to the presidency, and frankly this whole Investigation 2000 bit doesn’t surprise me. He’s try anything to come out on top.”

“King of the Old School” Tom Carmony, a longtime supporter of Johnston and the current LCC Executive Vice President, offered his support for Johnston.

“President Johnston is doing what he feels is right for the LCC,” said Carmony. “I support him one hundred percent. Jeff Gepner has also been a shady character, and Kevin Sutton has just been too goody-goody. I also knew something was going on behind that school-boy image. I’m just ashamed that his actions have had to tarnish the Champions Cup like they have.”

The entire Investigation 2000 saga began in early April, when reports from an informant known only as “Unanimous” surfaced, alleging Sutton’s and Gepner’s involvement in Cup gambling and communism, respectively. Johnston quickly rallied the LCC Board of Directors, calling for a full investigation into the matter. By early May, Johnston had named “Queen of Croquet” Lin Cherry as Independent Counsel to oversee the investigation. Over the next seven weeks, Cherry headed up the wide-ranging investigation, which delved into both the public and private lives of Sutton and Gepner. Investigation 2000 officially concluded June 26th as Cherry presented all evidence to President Johnston, who then issued the penalties to both Sutton and Gepner.