Lakewood Croquet Club

Editorial by “Queen of Croquet” Lin Cherry

The announcement of the coming “downsizing” seems to be the latest impulsive decision of the “fabeled” President Johnston, whose reputation lately has spoken for itself. By cutting back the members of the LCC, Johnston claims that the LCC can “build toward a better tomorrow’. (This is coming from a man who COULDN’T EVEN FINISH the 68th Annual Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge!).

With this recent decision to, yet again, change the way the game is played, Johnston AGAIN demonstrates that if you can’t succeed at the game ‘as is’, you better change the rules.

To those readers who aren’t familiar, the Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge is an annual event that in my estimation, is for retards who can’t play croquet. Hence the name- The Gary Coleman Challenge- not the Tiger Woods Tournament, not even the Bob Barker Tournament-these brainiacs named it after their hero, good ol’ Arnold. And folks, be warned- the game is lame. Let me break it down…

At sun-up, hours before the tournament begins, members of the LCC prepare for their day with more hair curlers, hot wax, and cuticle cream than I can describe. Ladies, if you wanna see plucking, priming, and fussing, visit these queens: it’s not the Prom, it’s the Coleman.

At the tournament, the game is played in pairs. This allows for no sense of personal accountability for “fuck ups” (lame) Moreover, the game day begins not with calisthenics, or team building activities; but with the selection of one’s Porterhouse Steak and Warshington (sic) Ale to be consumed that evening. What focus, what determination, what waistlines these fine athletes possess. It’s a joke, people, no more, no less. There’s Jello Pudding Snacks, a clown with balloon making capabilities, a Hippity Hop, and a First Aid kit. Pathetic.

After the “tournament”, the members usually return to a domestic location to marinate, baste and broil their Safeway kill, but not before these Martha Stewarts comment on the plush new couches at the Gepner house. “White twill is SOOO you”.. “Gosh, they match perfectly with the eggshell carpet”, and “the perfect balance of scale and function” were only a few of the cheap lines these men were throwing around like yesterdays panties. I mean, is this croquet or a damn Tupperware Party? Oh, and did I mention that they wore dresses??

So, am I surprised at the latest change to the LCC ‘protocol’? Not in the least. When these powder puffs can’t stand the smell of their pretty little toes, their game suffers. And when their game suffers, they don’t even finish the course laid out for them.. And that, my friends, is when they change the rules.

So ‘President” Johnston? The ‘Old School’ is long gone, and the only thing about your players that’s ‘Extreme’ is your Clairol Copper Sunset #14b left on 9 minutes too long. I propose you scrap the downsizing and step down from the presidency. Go back to watching the Lifetime Movie Network- maybe Valerie Bertinelli is getting beat up again. As for me, I’ll hang up my mallot until the Good Ol’ Boys stop acting like pussies and start playing the game.

- “The Queen”