Lakewood Croquet Club

Lakewood, WA – In a stunning announcement during a routine press conference at Lakewood Croquet Club headquarters Friday afternoon, LCC President Brian S. Johnston III declared that the organization would be “downsizing,” possibly eliminating more than half of the current membership.

“This is an unfortunate step to have to take, but I’m only looking out for the best interests of our fabeled organization,” stated Johnston moments after making the announcement.

“Given the current economy, this is certainly a downsizing year,” he continued. “It pains me to have to do this, but something must be done to ensure the financial stability of the Lakewood Croquet Club. By cutting back and eliminating some of the less active members, we’ll be able to better build toward the future.

When questioned about which members may fall victim to the proposed downsizing, Johnston was evasive.

“This whole process is really in its earliest stages at this point,” he responded. “I’m planning on reviewing every member on a case by case basis to determine the final choices.”

“The only one that has been officially let go at this point,” Johnston continued, “is Jeff Gepner.”

Gepner, a two-time Champions Cup winner, was clearly the most surprising victim of the downsizing. Johnston and Gepner have had a longstanding rivalry dating back to early 1998. Gepner recently called for the resignation of Johnston and for new presidential elections.

Gepner was quick to respond once news of the layoffs was released.

“I’m going to kill that little shit!” Gepner exclaimed. “Three years I’ve been putting up with this kind of crap, and not once has anything been done to curb Johnston’s abuse of powers.”

“This issue needs to be brought before the LCC Board of Directors,” he continued. “You have not seen the last of me here in the LCC, but you may well have seen the last of our esteemed President.”

President Johnston refused to respond to Gepner’s comments, but promised further details on the downsizing in the coming weeks.