Lakewood Croquet Club

Since taking office in the spring of 1998, Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III has proven to be the most controversial figurehead in the history of the sport. True be told, however, nothing he has done or said in the past three years may compare to what came spewing out of his mouth during a recent sit-down interview for the Hot Seat.

Mr. President, why don’t we begin with your recent announcement of upcoming layoffs of Lakewood Croquet Club members. Why this season? Why was Jeff Gepner singled out as the first ‘victim’?

I wouldn’t consider Jeff Gepner to be a victim! If anything, I think Jeff Gepner is a hero! I mean, someone had to step forward and set an example for the rest of this organization. Jeff Gepner is a decent player, and there’s an outside chance that he might even be able to find another croquet club willing to give him an audition.

You make it sound as if Gepner volunteered to be layed off, when in fact it was your decision.

Jeff’s a good man. That’s all I have to say about that.

So who’s next? How are you going to determine any of the additional layoffs?

It’s not a popularity contest. I’m going to be heading up a committee that will be evaluating each and every member of the LCC. Then, based on those evaluations, I’ll make my decisions when necessary.

What about the recent response you received from the “Queen of Croquet” Lin Cherry? Cherry had some very scathing things to say about you and some of the longtime male members of the LCC?

I’ve got one word for Lin Cherry… insignificant. She’s welcome to her opinion, after all, she loves to play that ‘be nice to me, I’m a feminist charade when she’s not winning. Women finally got around to getting that whole ‘right to free speech’ thing, so she can talk all she wants. What ultimately matters the most, however, is a person’s play on the pitch. Once Lin Cherry wins some bigtime matches, no- once Lin Cherry wins any matches- then I’ll listen. Until then… keep your pantyhose on, sister.

If a player’s performance on the pitch is the ultimate measure of his or her importance, then should you really be saying some of the things you do? I mean, your actual match record leaves a lot to be desired…

I have nothing to prove! I’m the LCC President for a reason. I’m the best example of the kind of good that one man can do for this sport. The only reason I haven’t been a bigger success on the pitch is that I’ve just dedicated so much of my time and energy to the sport as a whole. Besides, criticize me if you must, but remember, I am a two-time LCC Doubles Champion!

But you didn’t actually win either of those Doubles Championships. You named yourself and Tom Carmony the champions via “Presidential Decision.”

I don’t really want to talk about that. Next question?

Let’s go back to the topic of Jeff Gepner. Is there any way that he will be at the 2001 Champions Cup July 21st?

You know, I’ve been considering a lot of options for Jeff, trying to come up with some way that we can repay him for his willingness to be fired, and truthfully, I think I’ve come up with something that will work out quite nicely. Now, nothing’s guaranteed, but if everything works out, we may just be able to rehire Jeff Gepner so that he can be apart of the Champions Cup… as a mallet boy!

Fair enough. What about his longtime associate “The Great One” Andy Cooper. You and Cooper have crossed paths a number of times; is he on your short list of possible layoffs?

No one is on any kind of ‘hitlist’ at this point. Besides, I’ve always considered Andy Cooper to be a sort of “charity case.” I don’t know if I could bring myself to fire him. With his terrible croquet career, the guy’s already been through so much, I don’t think I could bear to be the nail in his coffin.

Mr. President, do you have any final words?

Smarmy swamp-thing table saw, but tonight’s the night for Michelob. Anything else will cost you a dollar. Goodbye!