Lakewood Croquet Club

Lakewood, WA – Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III, who was lambasted by critics for his recent attempts to downsize the organization’s membership, held a press conference today at LCC Headquarters to announce a “goodwill gesture” to make up for what he called “simply a misunderstanding.”

“I’m here before you today to make amends,” Johnston stated as he opened the press conference. “To mend burned bridges.”

“Many of my critics and fellow incompetants, I mean, competitors, have taken exception with my recent plan to downsize the Lakewood Croquet Club,” Johnston continued. “As a result, I’m trying to repair my relationship with the organization.”

“While I cannot at this time offer Mr. Gepner his full membership in the Lakewood Croquet Club, I am able to offer him the next best thing… something that will even allow him to be a part of this year’s Champions Cup… a special appointment as Mallet Boy.”

The assembled media were clearly caught off guard by the announcement. Many had expected Johnston to offer a full reinstatement to Gepner in an attempt to make up for the recent public relations fiasco surrounding the downsizing.

“Now, I know we haven’t employed an official Mallet Boy before,” stated Johnston as he began to outline the plan, “but this might really work out nicely! Have you ever been in the middle of a match and gotten really thirsty? Well, a Mallet Boy should could help with that! Have you ever had to go get your own mallet after sending it airborne after a crappy shot? I’ve got too words for you.. Mallet Boy! It’s genius, really!”

Needless to say, Gepner was less than thrilled upon hearing Johnston’s proposition.

“This would be the last straw, if Johnston hadn’t already pulled so much garbage like this in the past,” responded ‘The Franchise.’ “Mark my words, I will be at the Champions Cup, and it will NOT be as Mallet Boy. I’m going to be there to compete, I’m going to be there to win, and I’m going to be there to see Johnston’s last major event as LCC President.”

Reaction was mixed among other LCC competitors.

“Jeff Gepner’s no saint, but our idiot of a President is putting him through the ringer,” said Lin Cherry. “He [Johnston] needs to be canned before he does any more damage.”

Others agreed with the President’s decision.

“Personally, I think it’s a pretty good deal,” remarked current LCC Champion Kevin Sutton. “I’m going to win my third consecutive Cup, and fourth overall, so it’s not like Gepner would actually have a shot. He’s not missing much.”

“Besides,” added the Champion, “that trophy can get pretty heavy lifting it in victory EVERY summer. I could use someone to carry it for me.”