Lakewood Croquet Club

SEATTLE, WA – After nearly six weeks of apparent self-imposed exile, former Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III made his unofficial return during an impromptu press conference at LCC Headquarters in Seattle. Johnston refused to speak with reporters about his June 27th resignation from office, instead focusing on what he called his “next great duty to the sport,” beginning what appears to be a campaign to be named LCC Director of Officials, the de facto “head referee” for the organization.

“When you think of traits like honesty, fairness and impartiality, the name Brian S. Johnston III is the first thing that comes to mind,” Johnston stated at the podium.

The assembled media looked on in disbelief.

The Director of Officials position was vacated by Kevin Sutton when he replaced Johnston as President in June. Sutton acted as interim referee for the recent 2004 Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge, but the LCC Board of Directors has insisted that his service in both positions would be a conflict of interest. As a result, a search committee was recently formed to fill the position. Sutton will have a say in naming his successor.

Johnston’s five-year run as Club President could be characterized by any number of descriptives; honesty, fairness or impartiality would not be any of them. Johnston was viewed by many in the organization as a tyrant, often (mis)usiing his power for his benefit or to make life difficult on his enemies. Beginning nearly from the moment he stepped into office, he made his brewing feud with “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner official business, trying on a number of occasions to have Gepner suspended or barred from the LCC. By the end of 1998, he’d named Gepner the Club’s “Jackass of the Year,” an official commendation that had not been awarded before or since. The following year, the President was believed to be responsible for a series of poorly Photoshopped images of Gepner, supposedly dressed in women’s undergarments. In 2000, he appointed a Special Investigator who tried to have Gepner suspended for being a “pinko commie.”

Johnston’s personal wars against Club members are but one reason many are highly skeptical of his credentials for the Director of Officiating. Most critics also cite the three times he named himself and Tom Carmony Coleman Challenge winners and LCC Doubles Champions, despite not actually winning any of those contests.

Despite his questionable track record, Johnston insists he’s the man for the job.

“As a former President, I hold a degree of respect amongst the membership of this organization, and the extreme croquet world in general, that others can’t match,” Johnston argued at the press conference. “Look at the roles of other former Presidents. Jimmy Carter has gone onto a tremendous post-Presidential career as a peacemaker and a humanitarian. That’s me! It’s practically the exact same situation.”

“President Carter struggles to bring peace to the most conflicted parts of the world and that’s what I’ll bring back to the LCC,” he continued. “I am the Jimmy Carter of croquet!”