Lakewood Croquet Club

SEATTLE, WA – Less than 48 hours after his seemingly miraculous come-from-behind victory at Saturday’s Poison 2 event, Lakewood Croquet Club (LCC) legend “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner admitted to a variety of underhanded tactics in that win. In a series of emails exchanged with Brian S. Johnston III and LCC President Kevin Sutton, obtained by the news staff here at LakewoodCroquet.com, Johnston asserted witnesses having seen Gepner skip a wicket on his way to reaching poison status. In response, Gepner not only didn’t deny the accusation, but admitted to further seedy play.

From: Brian Johnston
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2005 12:07 PM
To: Jeff Gepner, Kevin Sutton

Jeff - I know you didn’t make it through the clematis wicket…

From: Jeff Gepner
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2005 12:54 PM
To: Brian Johnston, Kevin Sutton

I’m also pretty sure that Tom hit my ball in the water. I hit the bottom of my ball. It was a tough call though. My dirty little secret.

MuhAAAHAHAHAHA…MuhAAAHAHAHAHA….MuhAAAHAHAHAHA

Mere moments after the emails were leaked to the media, “King of Qualifying” Tom Carmony, who apparently should have been declared the victor at Poison 2, shot back with a response of his own, calling on the LCC Board of Directors to overturn the decision.

“Son of a…. I demand that I be declared the victor!” cried Carmony.

“Mr. President, based on the clear admonition of tomfoolery (literally, fooling Tom), I think it’s only fair that I be declared the rightful winner of Poison 2. It’s one thing to cheat and not be caught, but to clearly flaunt it in the face of LCC authority is uncalled for.”

He continued, “Plus, Mr. Johnston clearly states in his email that he knowingly witnessed Jeff’s cheating and didn’t call him on it. They’re both dirtbags.”

As has been par for the course during his Presidency, LCC head Kevin Sutton was relatively mum on the exchange, offering no firm decision or declaration either way.

Later in the week, Carmony was still stewing.

“I know in my heart that I won Poison 2, and everyone knows that I outplayed the entire field,” Carmony told the assembled media following a pre-Champions Cup workout yesterday.

“I staked out first, I eliminated five of the six other competitors, and I apparently eliminated The Franchise during our final battle in the Koi Pond, by his own admonition. Obviously, a win like that is nice to have on my resume, but the most important thing is that, just days from the Champions Cup, I’m clearly playing my best croquet in years and outplaying all of the other top LCC competitors.”

“Jeff, just remember one thing, my friend. Karma. What goes around comes around!”