VITAL STATISTICS
Date: Saturday, June 10, 2000
Location: University Place, WA
Winners: Brian S. Johnston III & Tom Carmony (by Presidential Decision)
Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III and “King of the Old School” Tom Carmony made extreme croquet history June 10th by winning the 58th Annual Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge and becoming the only team to regain the LCC Doubles Championship. Johnston and Carmony were also the inaugural Doubles Champions from July 1998 through May, 1999.
The victory did not come without controversy, however. In fact, it wasn’t even a victory so much as an executive decision handed down by Johnston, the Club’s President. After the initial date for the Coleman Challenge was washed out by heavy rain, Johnston invoked a little known LCC bylaw which stated that if the event could not be rescheduled within 30 days, he would be “forced” to declare new champions himself. The Coleman Challenge was rescheduled for June 11th, but rainfall again marred the match, resulting in an agreement amongst competitors to call the event off for the night. Less than five minutes of game play had taken place.
Johnston delivered a “shocker” moments later. During a hastily called post-match press conference, the President issued a statement declaring himself and teammate Carmony winners and new champions.
“Since the 58th Annual Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge had officially begun and gameplay was underway at the time of the cancellation, the team leading the field at the time the event was called shall be declared winners,” said Johnston reading from a prepared statement. “Now, who was leading at the end? Oh! Why, it was me and Tom! Damn! I guess that means we’re the champions!”
Johnston quickly bolded from the podium as a number of competitors lunged for him. The outrage was evident throughout the clubhouse following the debacle.
“I can’t believe what that jackass has tried to pull off!” argued ‘The Franchise’ Jeff Gepner moments later. This whole thing was probably a setup from the beginning. If there were ever a reason for indicting Johnston, this is it. He clearly has no business as President of this club.”
Others were quick to join Gepner in questioning Johnston’s motives.
“Brian Johnston and Tom Carmony are a perfect example of the unending abuse of power perpetrated by the pig-headed males running this club,” howled ‘Queen of Croquet’ Lin Cherry, who had flown from New York to participate in the Coleman Challenge. “It’s so obviously time that a woman take charge of this organization, before the Testosterone Twins run it completely into the ground.”
As much controversy as Johnston and Carmony’s latest championship reign has caused, their first turn as champions in 1998 was equally controversial. After the first Coleman Challenge ended in a 75-minute time-limit draw (reportedly due to the start of the final episode of Seinfeld), the LCC Doubles Championship remained vacant until mid-July, when Johnston declared himself and Carmony champions. Probably the most strange aspect of that decision at the time was that Johnston and Carmony had not even teamed together during the Coleman Challenge. Carmony had teamed with Jeff Gepner while Johnston was paired with Andy Cooper.
Johnston’s post-match declaration was not the only controversial aspect of the 2000 edition of the Coleman Challenge. Neither member of the defending LCC Doubles Champions, Emily Smith and “The Great One” Andy Cooper participated in the match. Smith was unable to attend the event and Cooper appeared to have wandered away from the grounds before the start of the match. While Cooper was not an official part of the Coleman Challenge, he did participate in the traditional pre-match barbecue, wowing the crowd with his stunning display of meat manipulation.
1999 Champions Cup winner and current LCC Champion Kevin Sutton drew a number of concerned looks from fellow competitors prior to and during the Coleman Challenge. Originally slated to team with former Rookie of the Year and longtime friend “Money” Mark Stibbe, Sutton showed up at the event without a partner. When questioned concerning who he would team with, Sutton was vague.
“It’s under control,” promised Sutton. “I’ve found myself the best possible doubles partner, and together we’re going to blow the entire field of teams away! You just wait and see.”
By the 7pm start time Sutton appeared to still be without a partner. Or so everyone thought.
“My partner has been right here all along!” proclaimed the champion while addressing the other teams. “I’ve got the best partner in all of extreme croquet. My alter-ego! Yes, that’s right. Standing right here before you, I am playing with myself!!”
Sutton’s last comment drew a mix of stunned silence and snickers from the other teams. Despite his lack of an actual human partner, he nearly won the abreviated event, finishing a close second behind Johnston and Carmony.
Although President Johnston was forced to make a quick exit from the event following his announcement, his championship partner made himself available to field questions from reporters, officials, and fellow competitors.
“Brian did the right thing,” slurred Carmony between celebratory beers. “To quote the legendary Wilford Brimly, ‘it was the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.’”
Carmony was asked whether or not he considered the impact that his tainted victory might have had on fellow competitors or even the sport as a whole.
“Why would I waste my time considering anyone else?” he responded. “No one else was particularly concerned for me when I finished in last place at the last few Champions Cups! I don’t give a damn if the rest of them think. And I’m certainly not concerned about the impact on the sport! Extreme croquet is nothing if not a complete sham. That’s why I’m here… to set things straight… to bring back tradition. Brian and I took a step towards that goal tonight. The Old School’s back, baby.”
2000 GARY COLEMAN MEMORIAL TEAM CHALLENGE
1 - Brian S. Johnston III & Tom Carmony
2 - Kevin Sutton
3 - Lin Cherry & Jeff Gepner
4 - Kristina Miller & Lisa Ballard
