Lakewood Croquet Club » Chicanery

“Benedict Arnold” Johnston Reportedly Offers IMC Easy Win at Champions Cup XI

LCC Staff — Sat, 05 Aug 2006 22:44:49 +0000

SEATTLE, WA – In an unexpected, shocking turn of events, LakewoodCroquet.com has obtained a copy of an email secretly sent by the Lakewood Croquet Club’s (LCC) resident curmudgeon Brian S. Johnston III to Ironman Croquet (IMC) head Brandon Lasher, offering to “be your goon” and “[knock] other competitor’s [sic] balls out of contention so that you can win.”

The discovery of this email comes on the heals of LCC President Kevin Sutton announcing a formal investigation into recent actions taken by Johnston. At the time of that announcement, made earlier today via press release from LCC Headquarters, little was known what might have prompted such action, aside from Johnston’s recent public rants against Sutton, “King of Qualifying” Tom Carmony, and others.

Contacted by reporters for comment, IMC’s Brandon Lasher remained silent on the matter.

“I have no comment,” stated Lasher. “All I’ll say is that Brian S. Johnston III seems to be an upstanding citizen and a fine member of the croquet community.”

The text of the email, which has been deemed authentic by the LCC’s On-Staff Email Authentication Official™, seems to implicate Johnston in offering to fix the upcoming Champions Cup XI. He offers Lasher the opportunity for an “guarantied [sic] victory” if he and the other IMC competitors would be willing to vote for an alternate date for the Cup (Johnston is unable to compete in this year’s event due with a scheduling conflict).

From: Brian S. Johnston III
Date: August 4, 2006 8:47AM PDT
To: Brandon Lasher
Subject: RE: Alternate Champions Cup Date?

OK Duck you win. For some sick reason my friends are choosing you over me. It appears the only way I can compete in the Champion’s cup is if you are flexible enough to come at a later date. I realize you have taken work off yada, yada, yada. However, there must be something I can do to make a change in your schedule worth your wile. Just name your price. I hate the LCC so much that I would be willing to be your goon, forgoing all wickets and simply knocking other competitor’s balls out of contention so that you can win. A guarantied victory for you and your club…

Think about it.

Mr. BS Johnston III

At this time, it’s unclear what the future may hold for Johnston if he is indeed found guilty of treason against the Club. LCC President Sutton has promised a full and impartial investigation, the implications of which may be felt for months to come.

LCC President Launches Investigation into Johnston’s Recent Actions

LCC Staff — Sat, 05 Aug 2006 17:06:51 +0000

MERCER ISLAND, WA – The following is a statement released to the press earlier today from the office of Lakewood Croquet Club President Kevin Sutton:

“It is with great sadness that I announce today the Lakewood Croquet Club is launching a full-scale investigation into allegations of treason, sedition and Cup fixing against former LCC president and longtime competitor Brian S. Johnston III.

Mr. Johnston, in his tireless whining about this year’s Champion’s Cup date, has stepped beyond the bounds of what even the LCC considers ethical behavior in his lobbying efforts.

At this time, Mr. Johnston remains a full member of the LCC and retains all rights and associated privileges, including his position as Head Referee. However, should these accusations be proven true, punishment could range from stripping Mr. Johnston of his Head Referee duties, to suspension, expulsion, or detention.

Due to the ongoing nature of these investigations, the exact charges leveled against Mr. Johnston will not be revealed at this time. However, Mr. Johnston, I believe, is fully aware of what he has done.

We have entered into a dark chapter in this Club’s proud history, indeed. While it is true that, historically, no Champions Cup has been without its share of controversies, the allegations against Mr. Johnston warrant these extreme measures.”

Johnston Goes Off the Deep End in Protesting 2006 Champions Cup Schedule

LCC Staff — Thu, 03 Aug 2006 04:59:05 +0000

SEATTLE, WA – Former Lakewood Croquet Club (LCC) President and Champions Cup IX winner Brian S. Johnston III took his frustrations over the scheduling of this year’s Cup public with a series of scathing MySpace comments and three melodramatic voicemails left for LCC rival “King of Qualifying” Tom Carmony.

Johnston, along with all top LCC competitors, was surveyed in early July regarding potential dates for the 2006 edition of the Champions Cup, the LCC’s premiere event. Based on the feedback provided, this year’s event was scheduled for Saturday, August 19th at Gas Works Park in Seattle. In addition to the usual cast of top LCC comeptitors, players from Oregon’s Ironman Croquet League are confirmed to be participating and are expected to make the journey from Oregon to Seattle to challenge for the Cup.

Unfortunately for Johnston, a recent scheduling change for a personal commitment left him unable to compete on the 19th. He formally requested a change of the date for the Champions Cup, but after gathering feedback from a variety of competitors, LCC President (and defending Champions Cup winner) “Mr. Fantastic” Kevin Sutton nixed the request, electing to keep the event as originally scheduled, on August 19th.

Needless to say, this hasn’t sat well with Johnston.

He responded with a pseudo-resignation letter that no one took seriously:

The organization has reached an all time low, I can no longer be apart of the LCC. You will have my resignation from the LCC by the end of the week.

Seriously,

Mr. BS Johnston III

Carmony, the target of much of Johnston’s ire in the matter (for his suggestion that the date remain as original chosen to accomodate the out-of-town competitors traveling to Seattle for the event), wasn’t impressed by Johnston’s response.

“You’re such a drama queen,” replied Carmony in a email cc’d to LCC Board members.

Johnston’s frustrations continued to boil over the following day, as he left a series of aggravated voicemail messages for Carmony, then moved on to scathing MySpace comments targeted at Carmony and Sutton.

In regards to LCC President Sutton, Johnston stated in a MySpace comment, “Tell that piece of crap… that he is a punk bitch! I curse [you]!”

His words for Carmony were slightly angrier.

“BACK STABBING HACK LOOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE…”

Johnston, however, denies the authenticity of the MySpace comments.

“Someone is clearly trying to smear me and obviously hacked into my account,” he stated. In fact, I’d go so far as to speculate that it might even have been Tom or Kevin themselves, simply trying to make me look bad. I wouldn’t trust those two under any circumstances.”

» Listen to the full audio of Brian’s voicemail messages (977KB MP3)

Bad Indian Buffet or Foul Play? Johnston Felled by Food Poisoning Just Hours Before Champions Cup

LCC Staff — Tue, 19 Jul 2005 06:00:25 +0000

EVERETT, WA – Less than 24 hours before his defense of the Champions Cup, 2004 winner Brian “Gurgles” Johnston was struck with a suspicious case of food poisoning, courtesy of a questionable Indian buffet lunch July 15th. Johnston had dined at an all-you-can-eat lunch buffet in the culinary capital of the Northwest, Everett. Though initially feeling fine, by late Friday afternoon Johnston was doubled-over in agony and trying to understand exactly what had happened.

The sickness, discomfort and frequent bathroom visits continued Friday night and into the mornign Saturday, just hours before the start of Champions Cup X. Johnston struggled to eat prior to the match, subsisting on apple sauce and crackers and clearly not feeling in top form for the match.

Despite the illness, Johnston, who described himself as “65-70%” on the day of the Cup, soldiered on, finishing in a three-way tie for second place.

Rumors have circulated suggesting that foul play on the part of one of Johnston’s competitors might have been responsible for the food poisoning, but thus far nothing has been confirmed.

Say It Ain’t So! Sutton Takes Advantage of Underhanded Tactics to Capture His Fourth Champions Cup

LCC Staff — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 06:01:38 +0000

SEATTLE, WA – The Lakewood Croquet Club celebrated the tenth edition of its Champions Cup, extreme croquet’s premiere annual event, with television cameras, challengers from the University of Washington’s Honors Croquet League (UWHCL), the much heralded returns of “Money” Mark Stibbe and Dr. Lily Van Patten (who together travelled more than 6,000 miles to take part) and more. Ultimately, though, Champions Cup X will be most remembered as “Black Saturday”, the day that the LCC’s favorite son, its lone poster boy for honor, respect and upstanding play, Kevin Sutton, turned his back on an apparent decade of clean play.

Click here for Complete Champions Cup X Results

Email Exchange Reveals Gepner Admits to Cheating His Way to Poison 2 Victory

LCC Staff — Fri, 15 Jul 2005 06:03:55 +0000

SEATTLE, WA – Less than 48 hours after his seemingly miraculous come-from-behind victory at Saturday’s Poison 2 event, Lakewood Croquet Club (LCC) legend “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner admitted to a variety of underhanded tactics in that win. In a series of emails exchanged with Brian S. Johnston III and LCC President Kevin Sutton, obtained by the news staff here at LakewoodCroquet.com, Johnston asserted witnesses having seen Gepner skip a wicket on his way to reaching poison status. In response, Gepner not only didn’t deny the accusation, but admitted to further seedy play.

From: Brian Johnston
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2005 12:07 PM
To: Jeff Gepner, Kevin Sutton

Jeff – I know you didn’t make it through the clematis wicket…

From: Jeff Gepner
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2005 12:54 PM
To: Brian Johnston, Kevin Sutton

I’m also pretty sure that Tom hit my ball in the water. I hit the bottom of my ball. It was a tough call though. My dirty little secret.

MuhAAAHAHAHAHA…MuhAAAHAHAHAHA….MuhAAAHAHAHAHA

Mere moments after the emails were leaked to the media, “King of Qualifying” Tom Carmony, who apparently should have been declared the victor at Poison 2, shot back with a response of his own, calling on the LCC Board of Directors to overturn the decision.

“Son of a…. I demand that I be declared the victor!” cried Carmony.

“Mr. President, based on the clear admonition of tomfoolery (literally, fooling Tom), I think it’s only fair that I be declared the rightful winner of Poison 2. It’s one thing to cheat and not be caught, but to clearly flaunt it in the face of LCC authority is uncalled for.”

He continued, “Plus, Mr. Johnston clearly states in his email that he knowingly witnessed Jeff’s cheating and didn’t call him on it. They’re both dirtbags.”

As has been par for the course during his Presidency, LCC head Kevin Sutton was relatively mum on the exchange, offering no firm decision or declaration either way.

Later in the week, Carmony was still stewing.

“I know in my heart that I won Poison 2, and everyone knows that I outplayed the entire field,” Carmony told the assembled media following a pre-Champions Cup workout yesterday.

“I staked out first, I eliminated five of the six other competitors, and I apparently eliminated The Franchise during our final battle in the Koi Pond, by his own admonition. Obviously, a win like that is nice to have on my resume, but the most important thing is that, just days from the Champions Cup, I’m clearly playing my best croquet in years and outplaying all of the other top LCC competitors.”

“Jeff, just remember one thing, my friend. Karma. What goes around comes around!”

The Jimmy Carter of Croquet? Johnston Campaigns for Role as Head Referee

LCC Staff — Wed, 04 Aug 2004 06:19:39 +0000

SEATTLE, WA – After nearly six weeks of apparent self-imposed exile, former Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III made his unofficial return during an impromptu press conference at LCC Headquarters in Seattle. Johnston refused to speak with reporters about his June 27th resignation from office, instead focusing on what he called his “next great duty to the sport,” beginning what appears to be a campaign to be named LCC Director of Officials, the de facto “head referee” for the organization.

“When you think of traits like honesty, fairness and impartiality, the name Brian S. Johnston III is the first thing that comes to mind,” Johnston stated at the podium.

The assembled media looked on in disbelief.

The Director of Officials position was vacated by Kevin Sutton when he replaced Johnston as President in June. Sutton acted as interim referee for the recent 2004 Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge, but the LCC Board of Directors has insisted that his service in both positions would be a conflict of interest. As a result, a search committee was recently formed to fill the position. Sutton will have a say in naming his successor.

Johnston’s five-year run as Club President could be characterized by any number of descriptives; honesty, fairness or impartiality would not be any of them. Johnston was viewed by many in the organization as a tyrant, often (mis)usiing his power for his benefit or to make life difficult on his enemies. Beginning nearly from the moment he stepped into office, he made his brewing feud with “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner official business, trying on a number of occasions to have Gepner suspended or barred from the LCC. By the end of 1998, he’d named Gepner the Club’s “Jackass of the Year,” an official commendation that had not been awarded before or since. The following year, the President was believed to be responsible for a series of poorly Photoshopped images of Gepner, supposedly dressed in women’s undergarments. In 2000, he appointed a Special Investigator who tried to have Gepner suspended for being a “pinko commie.”

Johnston’s personal wars against Club members are but one reason many are highly skeptical of his credentials for the Director of Officiating. Most critics also cite the three times he named himself and Tom Carmony Coleman Challenge winners and LCC Doubles Champions, despite not actually winning any of those contests.

Despite his questionable track record, Johnston insists he’s the man for the job.

“As a former President, I hold a degree of respect amongst the membership of this organization, and the extreme croquet world in general, that others can’t match,” Johnston argued at the press conference. “Look at the roles of other former Presidents. Jimmy Carter has gone onto a tremendous post-Presidential career as a peacemaker and a humanitarian. That’s me! It’s practically the exact same situation.”

“President Carter struggles to bring peace to the most conflicted parts of the world and that’s what I’ll bring back to the LCC,” he continued. “I am the Jimmy Carter of croquet!”

Queen of Croquet Bolts LCC for San Francisco Club

LCC Staff — Tue, 06 Jul 2004 06:23:27 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – In what may prove to be the biggest shocker in an already tumultuous croquet season, Lakewood Croquet Club superstar “Queen of Croquet” Lin Cherry renounced her affiliation with the club and signed a long-term deal with the rival San Francisco Extreme Croquet Club (SFECC). It is believed that Cherry’s move is the first of it’s kind in major league extreme croquet.

SFECC officials, forever in need of good publicity, were quick to hype the signing in a press release.

For Immediate Release:

Lin Cherry, Former Member of the LCC Has Announced Her Defection to the SFECC.

July 5, 2004 – Citing the LCC’s decline in membership, internal strife, the resignation of President Johnston and an overall malaise within the club, Cherry felt it was time to “jump this sinking ship” and join a club that would showcase her unique extreme croquet skills.

In related news, LCC founder Tom Carmony was similarly courted by the SFECC but declined membership. Carmony was able to withstand drunken verbal abuse, threats of physical violence, bribery, extortion, and “please”, to stay loyal to the LCC – a decision that industry insiders feel is a short and long term career mistake.

The SFECC now not only holds the LCC Champions Cup, but can count Lin Cherry, wife of LCC founder Tom Carmony, as it’s newest and most welcome member.

The self-proclaimed “Queen of Croquet” has a long record of success in the sport. Prior to joining the LCC in 1999, she was reportedly a top-flight competitor throughout the Northeast, winning multiple NPTSRSLSA (Northeast Pennsylvania Tri-State Regional Seasonal Lawn Sports Association) championships. In addition to her success on the competitive circuit, Cherry often barnstormed from town to town and taking on all challengers at local carnivals and town fairs.

Her five years in the LCC also included a number of high profile successes, including winning the 1999 Showdown at Ship Bottom and sharing the Commonwealth Championship with Amy Egan after their win at the 2002 Pennsylvania Open.

LCC President Johnston Promises to Reinstate Gepner… as Mallet Boy

LCC Staff — Mon, 09 Jul 2001 18:33:36 +0000

Lakewood, WA – Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III, who was lambasted by critics for his recent attempts to downsize the organization’s membership, held a press conference today at LCC Headquarters to announce a “goodwill gesture” to make up for what he called “simply a misunderstanding.”

“I’m here before you today to make amends,” Johnston stated as he opened the press conference. “To mend burned bridges.”

“Many of my critics and fellow incompetants, I mean, competitors, have taken exception with my recent plan to downsize the Lakewood Croquet Club,” Johnston continued. “As a result, I’m trying to repair my relationship with the organization.”

“While I cannot at this time offer Mr. Gepner his full membership in the Lakewood Croquet Club, I am able to offer him the next best thing… something that will even allow him to be a part of this year’s Champions Cup… a special appointment as Mallet Boy.”

The assembled media were clearly caught off guard by the announcement. Many had expected Johnston to offer a full reinstatement to Gepner in an attempt to make up for the recent public relations fiasco surrounding the downsizing.

“Now, I know we haven’t employed an official Mallet Boy before,” stated Johnston as he began to outline the plan, “but this might really work out nicely! Have you ever been in the middle of a match and gotten really thirsty? Well, a Mallet Boy should could help with that! Have you ever had to go get your own mallet after sending it airborne after a crappy shot? I’ve got too words for you.. Mallet Boy! It’s genius, really!”

Needless to say, Gepner was less than thrilled upon hearing Johnston’s proposition.

“This would be the last straw, if Johnston hadn’t already pulled so much garbage like this in the past,” responded ‘The Franchise.’ “Mark my words, I will be at the Champions Cup, and it will NOT be as Mallet Boy. I’m going to be there to compete, I’m going to be there to win, and I’m going to be there to see Johnston’s last major event as LCC President.”

Reaction was mixed among other LCC competitors.

“Jeff Gepner’s no saint, but our idiot of a President is putting him through the ringer,” said Lin Cherry. “He [Johnston] needs to be canned before he does any more damage.”

Others agreed with the President’s decision.

“Personally, I think it’s a pretty good deal,” remarked current LCC Champion Kevin Sutton. “I’m going to win my third consecutive Cup, and fourth overall, so it’s not like Gepner would actually have a shot. He’s not missing much.”

“Besides,” added the Champion, “that trophy can get pretty heavy lifting it in victory EVERY summer. I could use someone to carry it for me.”

President Johnston Holds Court in Scathing Hot Seat Interview

LCC Staff — Tue, 19 Jun 2001 18:46:30 +0000

Since taking office in the spring of 1998, Lakewood Croquet Club President Brian S. Johnston III has proven to be the most controversial figurehead in the history of the sport. True be told, however, nothing he has done or said in the past three years may compare to what came spewing out of his mouth during a recent sit-down interview for the Hot Seat.

Mr. President, why don’t we begin with your recent announcement of upcoming layoffs of Lakewood Croquet Club members. Why this season? Why was Jeff Gepner singled out as the first ‘victim’?

I wouldn’t consider Jeff Gepner to be a victim! If anything, I think Jeff Gepner is a hero! I mean, someone had to step forward and set an example for the rest of this organization. Jeff Gepner is a decent player, and there’s an outside chance that he might even be able to find another croquet club willing to give him an audition.

You make it sound as if Gepner volunteered to be layed off, when in fact it was your decision.

Jeff’s a good man. That’s all I have to say about that.

So who’s next? How are you going to determine any of the additional layoffs?

It’s not a popularity contest. I’m going to be heading up a committee that will be evaluating each and every member of the LCC. Then, based on those evaluations, I’ll make my decisions when necessary.

What about the recent response you received from the “Queen of Croquet” Lin Cherry? Cherry had some very scathing things to say about you and some of the longtime male members of the LCC?

I’ve got one word for Lin Cherry… insignificant. She’s welcome to her opinion, after all, she loves to play that ‘be nice to me, I’m a feminist charade when she’s not winning. Women finally got around to getting that whole ‘right to free speech’ thing, so she can talk all she wants. What ultimately matters the most, however, is a person’s play on the pitch. Once Lin Cherry wins some bigtime matches, no- once Lin Cherry wins any matches- then I’ll listen. Until then… keep your pantyhose on, sister.

If a player’s performance on the pitch is the ultimate measure of his or her importance, then should you really be saying some of the things you do? I mean, your actual match record leaves a lot to be desired…

I have nothing to prove! I’m the LCC President for a reason. I’m the best example of the kind of good that one man can do for this sport. The only reason I haven’t been a bigger success on the pitch is that I’ve just dedicated so much of my time and energy to the sport as a whole. Besides, criticize me if you must, but remember, I am a two-time LCC Doubles Champion!

But you didn’t actually win either of those Doubles Championships. You named yourself and Tom Carmony the champions via “Presidential Decision.”

I don’t really want to talk about that. Next question?

Let’s go back to the topic of Jeff Gepner. Is there any way that he will be at the 2001 Champions Cup July 21st?

You know, I’ve been considering a lot of options for Jeff, trying to come up with some way that we can repay him for his willingness to be fired, and truthfully, I think I’ve come up with something that will work out quite nicely. Now, nothing’s guaranteed, but if everything works out, we may just be able to rehire Jeff Gepner so that he can be apart of the Champions Cup… as a mallet boy!

Fair enough. What about his longtime associate “The Great One” Andy Cooper. You and Cooper have crossed paths a number of times; is he on your short list of possible layoffs?

No one is on any kind of ‘hitlist’ at this point. Besides, I’ve always considered Andy Cooper to be a sort of “charity case.” I don’t know if I could bring myself to fire him. With his terrible croquet career, the guy’s already been through so much, I don’t think I could bear to be the nail in his coffin.

Mr. President, do you have any final words?

Smarmy swamp-thing table saw, but tonight’s the night for Michelob. Anything else will cost you a dollar. Goodbye!