Coming into Champions Cup X as the defending LCC Champion, how has that changed your preparations for the event? What are you doing differently than in years past?

I figure if I keep to my same regiment that made me a Champion in 2004, then I will be a winner in 2005. For example, I always shake the crumbs off my food before I eat it, I replace the toilet paper so it dispenses from the top, and I throw/shoot things at ducks.

“The Franchise” Jeff Gepner continues to insist that you only won last year’s Cup thanks to the direct actions of himself and Kevin Sutton to ‘run interference’ for you and eliminate SFECC’s “Blackrocket” Jon Prugh. How do you respond to these allegations?

Is Lance Armstrong (6 time winner of the Tour De France) less of a Champion because he needed a team of riders to draft behind? Everyone knows that one on one Lance could kick anyone’s ass. I acknowledge that I would not have won with out the help of Mr. Gepner and Mr. Sutton. When those hacks from the SFECC went kamikaze on me, it was Jeff and Kevin who helped fend them off so that I could claim victory for the LCC. However, one on one it is no contest, I am the best.

How has your perspective on the LCC and on your own game changed since resigning the presidency last summer?

Being President is an extremely difficult job. As President I was forced to sacrifice training time so that I could carry out my executive duties. With the weight of being President off my shoulders, I could focus my energy on winning the Champions cup. Being President was rewording, but so is winning.

What are your thoughts on the LCC return of the “Queen of Croquet”?

I do not recognize that person as a member of the LCC. That individual left the LCC with a flurry of insults and constant bantering… to a rival club no less! That person has done nothing but damage the image of the LCC, and in my opinion should not be reinstated as an LCC member until that person (at the very least) can give an official apology. Until then I consider that person a non entity.

Should you win your second consecutive Cup July 16th, what would be your ideal choice of “victory meat” at the post-Cup barbecue?

I’ll probably go with what I had last year… a rib-eye, rare and bloody.

Any final words for your competitors this Saturday?

Established members of the LCC, I look forward to the challenge and know it will be an exciting fight all the way to the finish… may the best person win. All other competitors, thanks for showing up!

Mr. President, why don’t we begin with your recent announcement of upcoming layoffs of Lakewood Croquet Club members. Why this season? Why was Jeff Gepner singled out as the first ‘victim’?

I wouldn’t consider Jeff Gepner to be a victim! If anything, I think Jeff Gepner is a hero! I mean, someone had to step forward and set an example for the rest of this organization. Jeff Gepner is a decent player, and there’s an outside chance that he might even be able to find another croquet club willing to give him an audition.

You make it sound as if Gepner volunteered to be layed off, when in fact it was your decision.

Jeff’s a good man. That’s all I have to say about that.

So who’s next? How are you going to determine any of the additional layoffs?

It’s not a popularity contest. I’m going to be heading up a committee that will be evaluating each and every member of the LCC. Then, based on those evaluations, I’ll make my decisions when necessary.

What about the recent response you received from the “Queen of Croquet” Lin Cherry? Cherry had some very scathing things to say about you and some of the longtime male members of the LCC?

I’ve got one word for Lin Cherry… insignificant. She’s welcome to her opinion, after all, she loves to play that ‘be nice to me, I’m a feminist charade when she’s not winning. Women finally got around to getting that whole ‘right to free speech’ thing, so she can talk all she wants. What ultimately matters the most, however, is a person’s play on the pitch. Once Lin Cherry wins some bigtime matches, no- once Lin Cherry wins any matches- then I’ll listen. Until then… keep your pantyhose on, sister.

If a player’s performance on the pitch is the ultimate measure of his or her importance, then should you really be saying some of the things you do? I mean, your actual match record leaves a lot to be desired…

I have nothing to prove! I’m the LCC President for a reason. I’m the best example of the kind of good that one man can do for this sport. The only reason I haven’t been a bigger success on the pitch is that I’ve just dedicated so much of my time and energy to the sport as a whole. Besides, criticize me if you must, but remember, I am a two-time LCC Doubles Champion!

But you didn’t actually win either of those Doubles Championships. You named yourself and Tom Carmony the champions via “Presidential Decision.”

I don’t really want to talk about that. Next question?

Let’s go back to the topic of Jeff Gepner. Is there any way that he will be at the 2001 Champions Cup July 21st?

You know, I’ve been considering a lot of options for Jeff, trying to come up with some way that we can repay him for his willingness to be fired, and truthfully, I think I’ve come up with something that will work out quite nicely. Now, nothing’s guaranteed, but if everything works out, we may just be able to rehire Jeff Gepner so that he can be apart of the Champions Cup… as a mallet boy!

Fair enough. What about his longtime associate “The Great One” Andy Cooper. You and Cooper have crossed paths a number of times; is he on your short list of possible layoffs?

No one is on any kind of ‘hitlist’ at this point. Besides, I’ve always considered Andy Cooper to be a sort of “charity case.” I don’t know if I could bring myself to fire him. With his terrible croquet career, the guy’s already been through so much, I don’t think I could bear to be the nail in his coffin.

Mr. President, do you have any final words?

Smarmy swamp-thing table saw, but tonight’s the night for Michelob. Anything else will cost you a dollar. Goodbye!

Rumors have run rampant concerning the mystery man’s identity. Many, including LCC President Brian S. Johnston III, have publically endorsed the belief that Captain Mysterio is in fact 1999 Champions Cup winner Kevin Sutton. Sutton, who was handed a sixty-day suspension July 1st for allegedly wagering on last year’s Cup, cannot participate in Champions Cup 2000.

Mysterio contacted LakewoodCroquet.com himself recently and offered to sit down and answer any and all questions concerning his identity and his presence in the LCC.

Captain Mysterio, are you really Kevin Sutton under that mask?

I can’t say.

But when you contacted us to set up this interview, you yourself stated that you would answer, and I quote, “any and all questions about my identity.” Is that right?

Well, yeah. But it’s a secret identity. I mean, if I relieved to you who I was, I’d have to kill you. That’s how these things work.

So where are you from?

Parts unknown.

Isn’t that somewhere outside Cleveland?

You’re a wise guy, aren’t you? Look, if I revealed where I was from, that might lead people to guess about who I am, which would jeopardize the whole secret identity being “secret,” yada yada yada. You know the drill.

Can I ask what brought you to the Lakewood Croquet Club?

I reall can’t say. [grins] Now I’m just playin’ with you! Haha! You bough that, hook, line and sinker. Anyway, My reasons for coming to the LCC are really two-fold. One, which is obviously a reason for most any other newcomer, is the Champions Cup. It’s the most prestigious prize in extreme croquet and I plan on winning it August 10th.

More importantly, though, I’m here to right a wrong. To correct an injustice. That injustice is what’s happened to our upstanding champion Kevin Sutton. The decisions handed down by the Independent Counsel and by President Johnston over Sutton’s “alleged,” and I use that term loosely, involvement in gambling on croquet, are ludicrous!

First off, who would bother betting on a croquet match? And second, Sutton has been, is, and always will be a class act. He’s been the glue holding this organization together over the past few years as Johnston’s tried to tear it all apart. So I’m here for Kevin Sutton. I’m here to represent what he stands for.

So what’s with the mask?

Hello, dim shady! It’s a SECRET IDENTITY! How else am I supposed to keep this secret? The mask itself is from Mexico. I won it in 1997 in a croquet tournament in a small mountain village outside of Mexico City. It’s priceless. It was handed down to the village champions for over 75 years. I tried to sell it a while back on e-bay, but I couldn’t get $10 for it. So I decided to put it to use.

Is there anything you want to say, any final words?

I really can’t say.

Let me guess! Because of the secret identity, right?

Sorry. Can’t tell ya.

Enter… The Sultan.

Although little is known about this man of mystery, he made his intentions clear during a special interview for this month’s Hot Seat.

What is it that has brought you to America and to the Lakewood Croquet Club?

The mere challenge. I have travel the world for years, thousands upon thousands of glorious miles. I am man of great means. I am oil baron. In fact, THE oil baron of native Pakistan. I have achieved, how do you say? Riches! Beyond your wildest dreams. I’ve stuck oil in the town of Beverly. Hills that is. Black gold. Movie stars. Shwimming pools. What I seek is something new. A challenge.

Croquet is sport of kings, and I, you simple man, am a king! The sport is my blood, it courses through my veins. I have played the world’s best throughout the world. I have conquered Middle East, I have humiliated the Europe, I have mastered Asia, I have humbled Australia, I have destroyed the South America. Now it is time for United States. It is time for Lakewood Croquet Club.

So you are here for the competition, for the sport.

Yes and no. I am here for great victories, including your Champions Cup. However, I not stop there. I will buy the United States!

What? You can’t buy an entire country. That’s ridiculous.

No? Are you calling me liar! I have your head on a plate, monkey boy! I will have all of United States bow to me. Your Champions Cup… where will it be held?

Uh… Perkasie. Perkasie, Pennsylvania.

Ah Ha! Stupid fool! Perkasie! There is no more Perkasie. I knew where the Cup was to be, and I will begin my conquest there! In fact, I have bought Perkasie!

You’ve bought the entire town?

I have bought Perkasie! Although it is longer called Perkasie. From now until eternity, my American home is now known as Perkistan!

Now that I have control of the town, I shall take over the Lakewood Croquet Club! Your Champions Cup will make a beautiful hood ornament on my brand new Lincoln Town Car!

How could you consider degrading the Champions Cup by using it as a hood ornament?

Silence! You stupid, stupid little man. I will break you!! No one speaks to the Sultan with such insolence! One more utterance, and I will have you banished, forced to work the grape slushy machine at WaWa!

But…

Aaaahhh!! That’s it! Grape slushies it is!!

Many Lakewood Croquet Club members have looked to you as a hero for having knocked Jeff Gepner off his championship pedestal.

As they should. This club has been wallowing in mediocrity for the past two years. Between Gepner’s shameless self-worship and Brian S. Johnston III’s inept leadership as President, this once great organization had become a shell of its former self. I took a player of my caliber to help set things straight.

You’ve long been known for your calm and humble demeanor, but it seems as if that’s changing.

I’ve just decided to step out of my own shadow. I’d made a reputation as a straight shooter, as the dependable, loyal type of competitor that others could count on. I’m not saying that’s changed, but I’m a complex individual. There’s a lot more to me than just being “Mr. Niceguy.”

Such as?

I’m a complicated man. I’ve got needs. Being a champion isn’t just about winning and losing. It’s a lifestyle. Last time I was on top, I didn’t take advantage of that lifestyle. I’m not going to let that pass me by again.

What exactly is that lifestyle?

Late nights. Fast cars. Reasonably attractive women. This is going to be difficult for most of the chumps out there to grasp. We’re not talking a half rack of Schlitz and a double-wide trailer. Jet planes. Power lunches. Candlelit dinners in a smoky Paris cafe.

Excuse me, but aren’t you a college student living in a small apartment with a bunch of other guys?

I told you that you wouldn’t understand. I know it’s hard to even imagine what it’s like to be me, so don’t go giving yourself an aneurysm over it. Just keep this is mind: It’s great to be me, and it sucks to be you.

So what’s in store for you in the coming year?

I’m going to transform the Lakewood Croquet Club. You’re going to see the official end of the Gepner/Johnston era around here. I’ve taken care of Gepner, so that only leaves our esteemed President Brian S. Johnston III. Things are going to change around here. You’re looking at the trendsetter, the leader of the pack, the king of the hill.

Why would you make a better leader than Johnston?

Johnston is a hack. He just doesn’t have the class or the style to really lead this club the way it needs to be. The Lakewood Croquet Club has a proud tradition, and I want our members to realize that, and take pride in it.

And if I have to take over the show to do that, then so be it.

That, my friend, would be an understatement.

Tell us about it.

What is there that you don’t know? I’m in the middle of one of the worst slumps of my career. Things started out fine, with some early wins and a decent showing at the Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge. But since then, it’s just been down hill.

Culminating with…

The Champions Cup. I don’t know what happened. In four years, I’ve never finished higher than fourth. For the past two years now, I’ve finished dead last. Things don’t get much worse than that.

But then they did.

You’re really rubbing this in, aren’t you? Yes, things have gotten worse. We had a special Poison Rules event prior to the Cup, which I did not do well in. Then, after the Cup, I locked up with Brian S. Johnston III in an Ironman Challenge. That’s something new that the Lakewood Croquet Club sanctioned, featuring a best of five match series, played back-to-back-to back. I managed one win out of four matches with Johnston, and that was only because he stopped mid-match to showboat, and I managed to catch him.

Is it safe to say that you’ve hit rock bottom?

I would sure as hell hope so. I can’t imagine my game getting much worse than this. I’ve only won one match in the past four months.

As bad as it’s gotten, I really think I’ve hit on the right solution. A new identity! It’s time for me to reinvent myself. From this moment on, “The Haberdasher” is dead! I mean, what the hell is a haberdasher, anyway? I thought it was a hat salesman, but I’m not too sure about that. I don’t even really wear a cool hat anymore. You’re lucky if you see me in anything other than a baseball cap. Besides, right now I’ve got these lovely golden locks, so who wants to hide them under a hat anyway?

So basically, you’re entire plan to turn around your career is to… change your nickname?

Pretty much.

No extra practice, no improved training regiment, nothing?

Nope.

Well… if you no longer want to be known as The Haberdasher, what do you want us to call you?

I’ve given that a lot of thought. Basically, I really don’t have any idea. I think for the time being I’d like to be referred to as “The Artist Formerly Known as The Haberdasher.”

“The Artist Formerly Known as The Haberdasher”? Can we at least shorten it a bit?

You can call me “The Artist.”

So what’s next? What’s to come in the next six months? The next year?

I’ve got to get myself back on track, and there’s no time like the present. I want to get a couple more matches under my belt before the end of the summer, and from there, it’s time to start looking towards Champions Cup 2000. It’s going to be a new century, a new millennium. Maybe it will finally be my time.

There’s definitely a hierarchy here in the Lakewood Croquet Club. That much is clear. You’ve got Jeff Gepner and Kevin Sutton at the top, and then there’s the rest of us. My goal in the next year is to break out of the pack, and establish myself as one of the players in the game. It’s time that I grab my piece of the pie.

Will the 2000 season be the year of Tom Carmony?

It certainly can’t be any worse than the 1999 season has been…

Cherry, author of Advanced Croquet Tactics of the Sandinistans, will make her official LCC debut at teh 43rd Annual Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge on May 22nd. She recently sat down to share her thoughts and plans in The Hot Seat…

Although you’re new to the Lakewood Croquet Club, word has it that you’ve made quite a name for yourself on the East Coast circuit. Tell us a little bit about your experience.

Apparently you are unaware of my reputation as the four-time Champion of the Greater Pennsylvania Chapter of the Northeastern Pennsylvania/Tri-State Region Seasonal Lawn Sports Association. As I child, I was trained overseas by Sandinistan Sherpas in Sandinista. I was a true child prodigy. By the age of seven I was dueling King Hussein on the manicured croquet lawns of his palace in Jordan. I humiliated Prince Charles on the grounds of Buckingham Palace. The man never did recover. By sixteen, I had completed my training with the Sherpas and returned to the United States where I began destroying the croquet circuits along the Eastern seaboard. At nineteen, I was featured in my own special edition of The George Michael Sports Machine.

Okay… so what do you have left to prove by coming to the Lakewood Croquet Club?

I think at this point it is a matter of demonstrating my expertise to those less fortunate in their croquet abilities. By participating in this ’smaller match,’ the insignificant LCC ’students’ will see how a real champion is made.

Let’s play a little word association. When I say 1997-1998 Champions Cup winner Jeff Gepner, you say…

Chop Suey. He’s what you’d call… how does that go? A big fish in a small pond. If Gepner thinks he’s all that, the man is sadly mistaken. I don’t think he could carry my jock, to be honest.

How about LCC President Brian S. Johnston III?

Brian, yeah, now he’s a nice kid. It’s a shame that he has been stifled by the establishment. A few short years of formal training and some good ol’ Sherpa lovin’ and he’d be golden!

If you had to describe your style of play, your philosophy of the sport, how would you do so?

In the words of Ben Franklin, “He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on.” I think that pretty much says it all, don’t you think?

Um… alright.

Finally, where do you see Lin Cherry in the future?

The ony thing left that I see is… MERCHANDISE!! I have spent the last few months in secret negotiations to market the Lin Cherry product line. Soon you’ll be seeing Lin Cherry action figures, complete with push-button Mallet Mashing Action (batteries not included). You can have Lin Cherry Croquet Crunch cereal as a part of your complete breakfast. Next summer, the exclusive Lin Cherry Beanie Baby will be available for a limited time with each McDonald’s Happy Meal. That’s for the kids. For the adults, I’m debutin my complete line of Lin Cherry Lin-gerie at Victoria’s Secret. You’ll have to catch the runway show later this year.

Basically, you’ll be seeing Lin Cherry everywhere. This is my time to shine. I’m not only going to be Queen of Croquet, I’m going to be Queen of the World!

This initial edition of The Hot Seat turns the spotlight on Jeff Gepner. Gepner, currently one-half of Double X with Andrew Cooper, is the defending Champions Cup winner and the number one seed for this year’s Cup event.

What do you think about ethics in today’s croquet?

I should be the posterchild for ethics. I am the example that certain other Club members should be observing and learning from. There’s a lot of nasty, dirty scheming going on in the LCC, but it’s obvious that none of it revolves around me. That I can assure you.

After forming Double X with Andrew Cooper, you stated in public that you will help him to win the Cup this year. Why give up a chance to win back to back Champions Cup titles and truly make history?

I feel like sharing the wealth. I have dominated this sport for the past five years, and I feel that it’s time to let someone else’s career blossom. I consider this my gift to Andy. He deserves a shot at the glory that I’m already so accustomed to.

Can you trust Cooper?

To the fullest extent. I have no doubt in trust. If Andy does it, he must retire. That’s in the contract that we signed with one another when we formed Double X.

Tell us a little bit about your typical training program?

Hahahaha… sitting on my ass, picking my butt, stuffing my face and watching TV. Not necessarily in that order. It’s a myth that you must be in top shape to play croquet. You absolutely do not need to be in shape, and I’m a perfect example of that.

How do you feel about President Johnston?

Kniving. Insecure. Jealous of my raw talent. I didn’t have any problems with Johnston until he took over as President of the LCC. I do have a problem with other members plotting against me, in order to keep me from what I deserve, which is my “title.”

What is it about Jeff Gepner that is most misunderstood?

I am not a tyrant. I’m just trying to go out on the croquet court everyday and have fun. I have no intentions of destroying other players or harming our Club. I’m only looking out for the best interests of myself and those around me. If someone happens to get in the way and interfere with those interests, then I’m got to take action. Otherwise, it’s all good..