“It is with great sadness that I announce today the Lakewood Croquet Club is launching a full-scale investigation into allegations of treason, sedition and Cup fixing against former LCC president and longtime competitor Brian S. Johnston III.

Mr. Johnston, in his tireless whining about this year’s Champion’s Cup date, has stepped beyond the bounds of what even the LCC considers ethical behavior in his lobbying efforts.

At this time, Mr. Johnston remains a full member of the LCC and retains all rights and associated privileges, including his position as Head Referee. However, should these accusations be proven true, punishment could range from stripping Mr. Johnston of his Head Referee duties, to suspension, expulsion, or detention.

Due to the ongoing nature of these investigations, the exact charges leveled against Mr. Johnston will not be revealed at this time. However, Mr. Johnston, I believe, is fully aware of what he has done.

We have entered into a dark chapter in this Club’s proud history, indeed. While it is true that, historically, no Champions Cup has been without its share of controversies, the allegations against Mr. Johnston warrant these extreme measures.”

From: Brian Johnston
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2005 12:07 PM
To: Jeff Gepner, Kevin Sutton

Jeff – I know you didn’t make it through the clematis wicket…

From: Jeff Gepner
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2005 12:54 PM
To: Brian Johnston, Kevin Sutton

I’m also pretty sure that Tom hit my ball in the water. I hit the bottom of my ball. It was a tough call though. My dirty little secret.

MuhAAAHAHAHAHA…MuhAAAHAHAHAHA….MuhAAAHAHAHAHA

Mere moments after the emails were leaked to the media, “King of Qualifying” Tom Carmony, who apparently should have been declared the victor at Poison 2, shot back with a response of his own, calling on the LCC Board of Directors to overturn the decision.

“Son of a…. I demand that I be declared the victor!” cried Carmony.

“Mr. President, based on the clear admonition of tomfoolery (literally, fooling Tom), I think it’s only fair that I be declared the rightful winner of Poison 2. It’s one thing to cheat and not be caught, but to clearly flaunt it in the face of LCC authority is uncalled for.”

He continued, “Plus, Mr. Johnston clearly states in his email that he knowingly witnessed Jeff’s cheating and didn’t call him on it. They’re both dirtbags.”

As has been par for the course during his Presidency, LCC head Kevin Sutton was relatively mum on the exchange, offering no firm decision or declaration either way.

Later in the week, Carmony was still stewing.

“I know in my heart that I won Poison 2, and everyone knows that I outplayed the entire field,” Carmony told the assembled media following a pre-Champions Cup workout yesterday.

“I staked out first, I eliminated five of the six other competitors, and I apparently eliminated The Franchise during our final battle in the Koi Pond, by his own admonition. Obviously, a win like that is nice to have on my resume, but the most important thing is that, just days from the Champions Cup, I’m clearly playing my best croquet in years and outplaying all of the other top LCC competitors.”

“Jeff, just remember one thing, my friend. Karma. What goes around comes around!”

“When you think of traits like honesty, fairness and impartiality, the name Brian S. Johnston III is the first thing that comes to mind,” Johnston stated at the podium.

The assembled media looked on in disbelief.

The Director of Officials position was vacated by Kevin Sutton when he replaced Johnston as President in June. Sutton acted as interim referee for the recent 2004 Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge, but the LCC Board of Directors has insisted that his service in both positions would be a conflict of interest. As a result, a search committee was recently formed to fill the position. Sutton will have a say in naming his successor.

Johnston’s five-year run as Club President could be characterized by any number of descriptives; honesty, fairness or impartiality would not be any of them. Johnston was viewed by many in the organization as a tyrant, often (mis)usiing his power for his benefit or to make life difficult on his enemies. Beginning nearly from the moment he stepped into office, he made his brewing feud with “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner official business, trying on a number of occasions to have Gepner suspended or barred from the LCC. By the end of 1998, he’d named Gepner the Club’s “Jackass of the Year,” an official commendation that had not been awarded before or since. The following year, the President was believed to be responsible for a series of poorly Photoshopped images of Gepner, supposedly dressed in women’s undergarments. In 2000, he appointed a Special Investigator who tried to have Gepner suspended for being a “pinko commie.”

Johnston’s personal wars against Club members are but one reason many are highly skeptical of his credentials for the Director of Officiating. Most critics also cite the three times he named himself and Tom Carmony Coleman Challenge winners and LCC Doubles Champions, despite not actually winning any of those contests.

Despite his questionable track record, Johnston insists he’s the man for the job.

“As a former President, I hold a degree of respect amongst the membership of this organization, and the extreme croquet world in general, that others can’t match,” Johnston argued at the press conference. “Look at the roles of other former Presidents. Jimmy Carter has gone onto a tremendous post-Presidential career as a peacemaker and a humanitarian. That’s me! It’s practically the exact same situation.”

“President Carter struggles to bring peace to the most conflicted parts of the world and that’s what I’ll bring back to the LCC,” he continued. “I am the Jimmy Carter of croquet!”

“We don’t need a trophy to crown our champion,” Sutton declared. “The Lakewood Croquet Club is about competition, on the field, not second-rate publicity stunts. Okay, we may have pulled a few less-than-classy publicity stunts,” he acknowledged, “but we never stole anything.”

Sutton opened the twenty-seven minute speech by touching on his quick rise to office following Johnston’s June 27th departure. “President Johnston served this club for six years,” he stated. “He may not have always had the LCC’s best intentios in mind, he may have screwed a few people, he may have awarded himself a number of championships and other accolades, but you know, we all have our faults. This is not the time to look to the past, but instead to look to the future and I see a bright future for a new, revitalized Lakewood Croquet Club.”

The President was also direct and to the point in addressing the escalating rivalry with the SFECC.

“I’m disappointed that our fellow croqueters in San Francisco feel they have to resort to stealing our members and stealing our Champions Cup trophy in order to compete with the LCC,” Sutton charged, bringing the crowd to its feet. “If they need to pillage our ranks to bolster their own operation, we will not sit idly by and fall victim to such terrorizing. Our response will be three simple words, “BRING IT ON.”

Sutton concluded the rousing call to arms with a simple message. “If we are indeed on the brink of a Croquet Cold War, then remember this…. you’re either WITH US or AGAINST US.”

SFECC officials, forever in need of good publicity, were quick to hype the signing in a press release.

For Immediate Release:

Lin Cherry, Former Member of the LCC Has Announced Her Defection to the SFECC.

July 5, 2004 – Citing the LCC’s decline in membership, internal strife, the resignation of President Johnston and an overall malaise within the club, Cherry felt it was time to “jump this sinking ship” and join a club that would showcase her unique extreme croquet skills.

In related news, LCC founder Tom Carmony was similarly courted by the SFECC but declined membership. Carmony was able to withstand drunken verbal abuse, threats of physical violence, bribery, extortion, and “please”, to stay loyal to the LCC – a decision that industry insiders feel is a short and long term career mistake.

The SFECC now not only holds the LCC Champions Cup, but can count Lin Cherry, wife of LCC founder Tom Carmony, as it’s newest and most welcome member.

The self-proclaimed “Queen of Croquet” has a long record of success in the sport. Prior to joining the LCC in 1999, she was reportedly a top-flight competitor throughout the Northeast, winning multiple NPTSRSLSA (Northeast Pennsylvania Tri-State Regional Seasonal Lawn Sports Association) championships. In addition to her success on the competitive circuit, Cherry often barnstormed from town to town and taking on all challengers at local carnivals and town fairs.

Her five years in the LCC also included a number of high profile successes, including winning the 1999 Showdown at Ship Bottom and sharing the Commonwealth Championship with Amy Egan after their win at the 2002 Pennsylvania Open.

The release stated:

Dear Fellow Club Members,

It has been an honor and a pleasure serving you as President of the Lakewood Croquet Club these many years. Together we have taken our sport to a new level. We have spread the word of extreme croquet across the country with major tournaments from coast to coast. Indeed we have done great things. But now, it has been my observation that extreme croquet has hit a wall. It is that barrier that separates a fad from immortality. I fear that extreme croquet will eventually will be a type-cast relic of the new century along with Brittany Spears and the Backstreet Boys. I believe it is time for change, which is why I am resigning as President of the Lakewood Croquet Club. It is my decree that Mr. Sutton will serve in my place as interim President until which time the board can choose a permanent replacement. Unlike others that shall not be named, Mr. Sutton will continue to bring honesty and morality to our organization in my absence. Furthermore, I believe Mr. Sutton as the energy and the free thinking that will be needed to take croquet to the next level. I hope that all of you will support him as you did me.

Yours Truly,

Brian S. Johnston III

Johnston employed a little known official privilege to name his successor, Kevin Sutton. Sutton, a three-time Champions Cup winner, is well-respected among the extreme croquet community. In addition to his long record of stellar play on the pitch, Sutton served as Head Official for the LCC from 1998-2000 and oversaw the Rocky Mountain chapter of the LCC for the past two years. The LCC Board of Directors is said to be pleased his Johnston’s selection of Sutton and so far has no plans to hold a formal election.

Reaction amongst the LCC membership was generally positive.

“I have to say I’m going to miss Johnston running the show around here,” said Andy Cooper when reached for comment. “Sure, it was chaotic and half the time we didn’t know which way was up, but that was part of his charm. I mean, he was overstepping the bounds of the presidency from the moment he got into office. You’ve gotta respect that kind of moxy.”

Even Johnston’s long-time rival, “The Franchise” Jeff Gepner, had good things to say. “The thing that shocked me the most about the announcement was his spelling! If you’ve ever read some of those early presidential press releases, I swear he must have been typing with his eyes shut.”

“I’m here before you today to make amends,” Johnston stated as he opened the press conference. “To mend burned bridges.”

“Many of my critics and fellow incompetants, I mean, competitors, have taken exception with my recent plan to downsize the Lakewood Croquet Club,” Johnston continued. “As a result, I’m trying to repair my relationship with the organization.”

“While I cannot at this time offer Mr. Gepner his full membership in the Lakewood Croquet Club, I am able to offer him the next best thing… something that will even allow him to be a part of this year’s Champions Cup… a special appointment as Mallet Boy.”

The assembled media were clearly caught off guard by the announcement. Many had expected Johnston to offer a full reinstatement to Gepner in an attempt to make up for the recent public relations fiasco surrounding the downsizing.

“Now, I know we haven’t employed an official Mallet Boy before,” stated Johnston as he began to outline the plan, “but this might really work out nicely! Have you ever been in the middle of a match and gotten really thirsty? Well, a Mallet Boy should could help with that! Have you ever had to go get your own mallet after sending it airborne after a crappy shot? I’ve got too words for you.. Mallet Boy! It’s genius, really!”

Needless to say, Gepner was less than thrilled upon hearing Johnston’s proposition.

“This would be the last straw, if Johnston hadn’t already pulled so much garbage like this in the past,” responded ‘The Franchise.’ “Mark my words, I will be at the Champions Cup, and it will NOT be as Mallet Boy. I’m going to be there to compete, I’m going to be there to win, and I’m going to be there to see Johnston’s last major event as LCC President.”

Reaction was mixed among other LCC competitors.

“Jeff Gepner’s no saint, but our idiot of a President is putting him through the ringer,” said Lin Cherry. “He [Johnston] needs to be canned before he does any more damage.”

Others agreed with the President’s decision.

“Personally, I think it’s a pretty good deal,” remarked current LCC Champion Kevin Sutton. “I’m going to win my third consecutive Cup, and fourth overall, so it’s not like Gepner would actually have a shot. He’s not missing much.”

“Besides,” added the Champion, “that trophy can get pretty heavy lifting it in victory EVERY summer. I could use someone to carry it for me.”

Mr. President, why don’t we begin with your recent announcement of upcoming layoffs of Lakewood Croquet Club members. Why this season? Why was Jeff Gepner singled out as the first ‘victim’?

I wouldn’t consider Jeff Gepner to be a victim! If anything, I think Jeff Gepner is a hero! I mean, someone had to step forward and set an example for the rest of this organization. Jeff Gepner is a decent player, and there’s an outside chance that he might even be able to find another croquet club willing to give him an audition.

You make it sound as if Gepner volunteered to be layed off, when in fact it was your decision.

Jeff’s a good man. That’s all I have to say about that.

So who’s next? How are you going to determine any of the additional layoffs?

It’s not a popularity contest. I’m going to be heading up a committee that will be evaluating each and every member of the LCC. Then, based on those evaluations, I’ll make my decisions when necessary.

What about the recent response you received from the “Queen of Croquet” Lin Cherry? Cherry had some very scathing things to say about you and some of the longtime male members of the LCC?

I’ve got one word for Lin Cherry… insignificant. She’s welcome to her opinion, after all, she loves to play that ‘be nice to me, I’m a feminist charade when she’s not winning. Women finally got around to getting that whole ‘right to free speech’ thing, so she can talk all she wants. What ultimately matters the most, however, is a person’s play on the pitch. Once Lin Cherry wins some bigtime matches, no- once Lin Cherry wins any matches- then I’ll listen. Until then… keep your pantyhose on, sister.

If a player’s performance on the pitch is the ultimate measure of his or her importance, then should you really be saying some of the things you do? I mean, your actual match record leaves a lot to be desired…

I have nothing to prove! I’m the LCC President for a reason. I’m the best example of the kind of good that one man can do for this sport. The only reason I haven’t been a bigger success on the pitch is that I’ve just dedicated so much of my time and energy to the sport as a whole. Besides, criticize me if you must, but remember, I am a two-time LCC Doubles Champion!

But you didn’t actually win either of those Doubles Championships. You named yourself and Tom Carmony the champions via “Presidential Decision.”

I don’t really want to talk about that. Next question?

Let’s go back to the topic of Jeff Gepner. Is there any way that he will be at the 2001 Champions Cup July 21st?

You know, I’ve been considering a lot of options for Jeff, trying to come up with some way that we can repay him for his willingness to be fired, and truthfully, I think I’ve come up with something that will work out quite nicely. Now, nothing’s guaranteed, but if everything works out, we may just be able to rehire Jeff Gepner so that he can be apart of the Champions Cup… as a mallet boy!

Fair enough. What about his longtime associate “The Great One” Andy Cooper. You and Cooper have crossed paths a number of times; is he on your short list of possible layoffs?

No one is on any kind of ‘hitlist’ at this point. Besides, I’ve always considered Andy Cooper to be a sort of “charity case.” I don’t know if I could bring myself to fire him. With his terrible croquet career, the guy’s already been through so much, I don’t think I could bear to be the nail in his coffin.

Mr. President, do you have any final words?

Smarmy swamp-thing table saw, but tonight’s the night for Michelob. Anything else will cost you a dollar. Goodbye!

“This is an unfortunate step to have to take, but I’m only looking out for the best interests of our fabeled organization,” stated Johnston moments after making the announcement.

“Given the current economy, this is certainly a downsizing year,” he continued. “It pains me to have to do this, but something must be done to ensure the financial stability of the Lakewood Croquet Club. By cutting back and eliminating some of the less active members, we’ll be able to better build toward the future.

When questioned about which members may fall victim to the proposed downsizing, Johnston was evasive.

“This whole process is really in its earliest stages at this point,” he responded. “I’m planning on reviewing every member on a case by case basis to determine the final choices.”

“The only one that has been officially let go at this point,” Johnston continued, “is Jeff Gepner.”

Gepner, a two-time Champions Cup winner, was clearly the most surprising victim of the downsizing. Johnston and Gepner have had a longstanding rivalry dating back to early 1998. Gepner recently called for the resignation of Johnston and for new presidential elections.

Gepner was quick to respond once news of the layoffs was released.

“I’m going to kill that little shit!” Gepner exclaimed. “Three years I’ve been putting up with this kind of crap, and not once has anything been done to curb Johnston’s abuse of powers.”

“This issue needs to be brought before the LCC Board of Directors,” he continued. “You have not seen the last of me here in the LCC, but you may well have seen the last of our esteemed President.”

President Johnston refused to respond to Gepner’s comments, but promised further details on the downsizing in the coming weeks.

The announcement of the coming “downsizing” seems to be the latest impulsive decision of the “fabeled” President Johnston, whose reputation lately has spoken for itself. By cutting back the members of the LCC, Johnston claims that the LCC can “build toward a better tomorrow’. (This is coming from a man who COULDN’T EVEN FINISH the 68th Annual Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge!).

With this recent decision to, yet again, change the way the game is played, Johnston AGAIN demonstrates that if you can’t succeed at the game ‘as is’, you better change the rules.

To those readers who aren’t familiar, the Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge is an annual event that in my estimation, is for retards who can’t play croquet. Hence the name- The Gary Coleman Challenge- not the Tiger Woods Tournament, not even the Bob Barker Tournament-these brainiacs named it after their hero, good ol’ Arnold. And folks, be warned- the game is lame. Let me break it down…

At sun-up, hours before the tournament begins, members of the LCC prepare for their day with more hair curlers, hot wax, and cuticle cream than I can describe. Ladies, if you wanna see plucking, priming, and fussing, visit these queens: it’s not the Prom, it’s the Coleman.

At the tournament, the game is played in pairs. This allows for no sense of personal accountability for “fuck ups” (lame) Moreover, the game day begins not with calisthenics, or team building activities; but with the selection of one’s Porterhouse Steak and Warshington (sic) Ale to be consumed that evening. What focus, what determination, what waistlines these fine athletes possess. It’s a joke, people, no more, no less. There’s Jello Pudding Snacks, a clown with balloon making capabilities, a Hippity Hop, and a First Aid kit. Pathetic.

After the “tournament”, the members usually return to a domestic location to marinate, baste and broil their Safeway kill, but not before these Martha Stewarts comment on the plush new couches at the Gepner house. “White twill is SOOO you”.. “Gosh, they match perfectly with the eggshell carpet”, and “the perfect balance of scale and function” were only a few of the cheap lines these men were throwing around like yesterdays panties. I mean, is this croquet or a damn Tupperware Party? Oh, and did I mention that they wore dresses??

So, am I surprised at the latest change to the LCC ‘protocol’? Not in the least. When these powder puffs can’t stand the smell of their pretty little toes, their game suffers. And when their game suffers, they don’t even finish the course laid out for them.. And that, my friends, is when they change the rules.

So ‘President” Johnston? The ‘Old School’ is long gone, and the only thing about your players that’s ‘Extreme’ is your Clairol Copper Sunset #14b left on 9 minutes too long. I propose you scrap the downsizing and step down from the presidency. Go back to watching the Lifetime Movie Network- maybe Valerie Bertinelli is getting beat up again. As for me, I’ll hang up my mallot until the Good Ol’ Boys stop acting like pussies and start playing the game.

- “The Queen”