Our brand of croquet, best known as extreme croquet, is loosely based on the general rules and regulations of traditional backyard croquet (with a number of significant exceptions and variations). Click here for a refresher on basic nine-wicket (backyard) croquet rules, then read on to learn how to REALLY play the game.
We’ll begin with these basic rules:
Section 8, Paragraph 16: Distracting One’s Opponents “It must be those damn squirrels…”
An effective tactic for curtailing an opponent’s momentum has proven to be the subtle art of distraction. This has most often been achieved by locating a pine cone, propelling said pine cone through the air, where it hopefully contacts the target’s head. Immediately following contact, the initiator of the assault will generally blame the attack on some other individual, usually a nearby squirrel. If no squirrels are present at the time of the incident, then another player can usually be blamed.
Section 12, Paragraph 8: Limited Roquets
Each player is allowed to strike the ball of each additional player (earning a free shot) no more than three total times per turn. Those three shots can consist of any combination of a single or multiple opponents’ balls. If a particular ball is struck a forth time during a single turn, the shot will be counted and no further bonus strokes will be awarded.
Section 37, Paragraph 4: Striking of Ducks
“Look out for the duck!!”
In the event that a competitor becomes frustrated with the match situation, launches his or her mallet into the air and strikes a duck, said player shall be issued a one-shot penalty, losing his or her regular turn in the next rotation. The player shall also be responsible for any aid which must be administered to the effected duck. This rule, also known as the “Brian Johnston Rule,” was enacted following an untimely, accidental attack upon a grouchy mallard initiated by Mr. Johnston during the summer of 1993.
Section 42, Paragraph 1: Cheating
“Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.”
Given the opportunity, it is expected of the player that he or she shall attempt to cheat to advance his or her standing in the match. Although the player must be penalized accordingly if caught cheating, this should by no means deter him or her from attempting to cheat. Cheating encompasses, but is not limited to the following: moving ones ball when no one else is looking; moving someone else’s ball when no one else is looking; altering the course with one’s mallet; adjusting the spacing of a wicket, and of course, lying (in general).
Section 42, Paragraph 2: The First Gepmendment
“Cheat, but don’t get caught.”
Officially instituted in June, 1998, by LCC Director Brian S. Johnston III, the Gepner Amendment penalizes players caught in the act of cheating. If a player is witnessed cheating by another competitor, the cheating player will be penalized one turn. If he or she is caught a second time during the same match, the player is then disqualified.
Section 42, Paragraph 3: The Second Gepmendment
“It’s on, unless it’s off.”
This amendment was officially instituted in June, 2008 (the ten year anniversary of the original Gepmendment), following Jeff Gepner’s near no-show of the 2008 Coleman Challenge. Unless explicitly stated otherwise by Club Officials, any previously announced LCC event shall be assumed to be played as scheduled, on the date and time and at the location originally specified. In the event that date/time/location of an event is changed, or the event is cancelled, LCC Officials shall make reasonable efforts to notify competitors of said changes, including (but not limited to) by phone, email, the LCC website and Twitter.
Section 42, Paragraph 7: Grudges
“You’re gonna regret doing that…”
Grudges amongst players during match play and throughout the course of the season is greatly encouraged. These blood feuds add spice to the competition, and provide much entertainment for the spectators present. If the opportunity presents itself, one should attempt to do all that is within his or her powers to obliterate an opponent from the match. These tactics include (of course) roqueting an opponent off of the course, usually into a rough; distracting said opponent (see Section 8, Paragraph 16); or even just general dirty tactics (see Section 42, Paragraph 1). It is not at all unusual for a player to completely disregard his or her own place in a particular match when the opportunity to ruin an opponent’s game presents itself.
Section 45, Paragraph 1: Speaking in Tongues
“God save the Queen…”
As much as possible, competitors should attempt to speak only in pompous, over-the-top, grating approximations of British accents during match play. These accents should be somewhere in the region of the dialect displayed in early Monty Python movies. Players should also attempt to invoke the name of the Queen as often as possible, as well as belittling opponents by referring to them as members of Oasis. Of course, players who are not capable of a proper, obnoxious British accent should refrain from even attempting to speak in such a manner during match play. These players should allot a reasonable amount of practice time outside of matches to correctly perfect the accent so that it can be used in later match play.
Section 48, Paragraph 7: Declaration of Coleman Challenge Victors
“And the winner is…”
A clear historic precedent has been established for the awarding of first place in the annual Gary Coleman Memorial Team Challenge, and the accompanying LCC Doubles Championship, in the unfortunate event that the Challenge cannot be played, or cannot be completed. In the event that the Coleman Challenge is not completed, the victory and Doubles Championship shall be regularly awarded to the team of Brian S. Johnston III and Tom Carmony. This standard procedure was first enacted in 1998, after the inaugural Coleman Challenge ended in a time-limit draw. The rule was invoked again in 2000, when that year’s Challenge was rained out after one turn; and finally in 2002, in the event was cancelled due to a schedule conflict.
Please note that Mr. Johnston and Mr. Carmony do not have to have actively declared themselves teammates for the victory to be awarded to them (they were on opposing sides during the 1998 event, but were subsequently jointly awarded the victory).
Additional Regulations
Our brand of croquet is different from traditional croquet not only in the rules which govern it, but in the actual style of play. Aside from the use of mallets, balls, and wickets, Lakewood Croquet Club croquet does not bare a great deal of resemblance to the traditional game. We play singles matches, where each competitor is playing against all others. The idea has been suggested for doubles matches, but as of yet none have been held. The order of play is determined by an initial “shootout”, in which a particular target on the field is selected, and all players have one shot to get as close to the target as possible, without going beyond it. The closer one’s ball comes to rest near the target, the earlier in the rotation he or she shall play.
The Course
Although standard backyard croquet is played on a rectangular, 50’ x 100’ double-diamond field, LCC croquet adapts to the particular playing conditions. In general, we prefer to play matches on uneven surfaces. The more hills, bumps, roots, and flower beds, the better. The annual Champions Cup tournament is played on a large, multi-purpose school field, complete with numerous trees, hills, and a dirt baseball diamond. All of these geographic features are integrated into the course to the greatest extent possible. The number of wickets varies from site to site, and we often combine multiple sets for large scale games, such as the Cup.
Regular matches are typically played at public parks and other areas that offer large spaces with distinctive, rugged terrain (the more hills, bumps, roots, potholes and water hazards, the better). Some courses tend to generally follow the traditional double-diamond nine-wicket layout, while many others employ much more free form, unidirectional designs. For particularly major events, such as the Champions Cup, additional wickets are often added to our standard system, increasing the possible size of the course.
The Shots
Our game features a much greater variation in striking the ball than traditional croquet offers. In addition to the standard, two-handed “between the legs” backyard shot, we have developed a number of other unusual shots…
The Golf Shot – This shot is similar in style to a putt in golf, with the player setting up alongside the ball, as opposed to behind it, as in the traditional croquet shot. It differs from putting in that it is generally employed for longer, distance shots (usually greater than 12 to 15 feet).
The Shuffleboard Shot – Probably the most widely used shot in our games, it is essentially a variation of shuffleboard. The player sets up low to the ground, often on his or her knees, and slides the mallet along the ground, striking the ball with the flat top of the mallet (rather than either of the two striking surfaces). This shot is used to basically “butt” the ball, and is used for short distance, accurate shots. One must be careful to strike the ball cleanly, not “carrying” it, which will result in the shot being played over.
The Pool Shot - This shot is carried out in the same manner as a billiards shot. The ball is struck by the slender, handle-end of the mallet. The shot is most-often utilized for short-distance shots or shots in which a player wants to “jump” his ball over an opponent’s ball.
The Scoop - This shot is almost a “carry”, and is used only when a ball becomes trapped in the rough. The player positions the head of the mallet sideways behind the ball, and scoops it up and into the air, hopefully freeing it from whatever particular trap he has encountered.
The Corkscrew of Death – Basically a Shuffleboard Shot with flair. The player first holds up the mallet, spinning it quickly in his or her hands, while yelling out in his or her best British accent (see Section 45, Paragraph 1) “All must fear the Corkscrew of Death!!”
The Caterpillar – This specialty shot, unveiled by Andrew Cooper, is a pivoting shot, designed to effectively propel the ball through the wicket when said ball is sitting next to said wicket. One end of the mallet head is placed firmly on the ground and the mallet is pivoted with a snapping motion of the wrists.
The Pogo - Brian S. Johnston III recently introduced this move, which is a variation on the Pool Shot. The shot is taken using the tip of the handle as the point of contact.
The Pull – Pretty much what the name implies. The ball is struck by the mallet with a pulling motion, drawing the ball towards the player. One must be careful to cleanly strike the ball, rather than “carrying” it with the mallet head, which is illegal. This shot was first used by Andrew Cooper in early 1998.
Croqueting
Another major difference in LCC-style croquet versus the traditional game is in “croqueting” (hitting) an opponent’s ball. Under standard rules, a player can gain only one bonus shot per round for hitting an opposing ball, but under our rules (or lack thereof) roqueting is allowed up to three times per turn. This has led to the development of a distinctive style of knocking an opponent completely out of play. It has also led to what have probably become the first real grudge croquet matches (See Section 42, Paragraph 7).
“Kamikaze” Play
One of the most unique aspects of LCC play is the use of “kamikaze” tactics. Kamikaze play refers to one or more players attempting to purposely interfere with the progress of another player. Usually, a player who has fallen far behind the leader will opt to forego the match and try to interfere with another player, rather than trying to win. Kamikaze play can often directly affect the outcome of a match, and in the past has led to some of the most vicious of feuds amongst Club members.
In Conclusion
These are the basics. With some basic knowledge of traditional croquet, as well as these handy rules and notes, you too can be playing Lakewood Croquet Club style croquet in your own backyard in no time. Above all, just remember to carry a chip on your shoulder, speak your worst British, and look out for the ducks…
